Love Theory

A week or so ago, while hitting the "next blog" link at the top of the page, I came across a site by a nun who was also a teacher. One of the subjects she was teaching involved studying Sternberg's triangular theory of love. Interesting I thought for a nun to be teaching this, but who am I to judge. I just got thinking about it more tonight however, so I googled-away and found some more links.

Just as an aside, do you notice how often wikipedia turns up in your google searches? Power to the people....

Right, so I was reading some more details on this theory, and it all seems perfectly logical. And of course, logical = good. And in Pate Biscuit's honour... here's a picture.....

So I'm thinking now that it can't really be that easy. Can it? Two people are attracted to one another, they find out that they like each other, then after a while they think this is working out great so let's commit. Ta-da! Consummate Love!

But it seems that this crazy little thing called love is a tad more difficult than that. Why? Look in more detail as what it really means to have Passion, Commitment and Intimacy.

Passion is the easy part. It's the hubba-hubba part. I don't need to spell it out any further. The only difficulty in maintaining this part of the puzzle is to defy the seven signs of aging. Oh yeah, okay so that is going to keep us challenged. Anyhow, I'm still young so what's next...

Commitment. Well, again, we know about this part. It's the I do part (whether in marriage or not), when we make a choice. I hear what you're saying, sometimes a choice actually is hard to make, or we change our minds, or we made the wrong choice. It makes sense doesn't it that we need to have either or both passion and intimacy before we would commit? Not always, but I'd reckon that most people today will only commit to someone who they like and are attracted to. No shit Sherlock.

Intimacy is the last piece. I left it to last intentionally. I understood it the least until now. Well, I still understand it the least but a lot more now. This piece on intimacy got me thinking a bit. Compare the volume of content in wikipedia on intimacy compared to passion and commitment and it's no wonder we so often get it wrong. It's so complicated! For example....

Intimacy has more to do with shared moments than sexual interactions.
Intimate feelings may be connected or confused with sexual arousal. (So which is it?)
Intimacy is linked with feelings.... (d'oh!)
For intimacy to be sustainable and nourishing it also requires trust, transparency and rituals of connection. (Thus the morning and afternoon coffee....)
Intimacy requires empathy - the ability to stand in the other's shoes.

But wait there's more....
Intimacy requires identity development. Que? You mean I need to know who-I-am ?

And here's the clincher....
Intimacy is both the ability and the choice to be close, loving and vulnerable.

Hang on. You mean that I have to make another choice? I already chose to commit, now I have to choose to be close, loving and, um... vulnerable? Whoa! Maybe I made the wrong choice! I liked the passion bit the best, can we just go back to that one? Please? ;-P

No wonder it doesn't always end in happily-ever-after. It's often one-sided....

It is worth distinguishing intimate relationships from strategic relationships. Intimate behaviour occurs in the latter but it is governed by a higher order strategy, of which the other person may not be aware. For example getting close to someone in order to get something from them or give them something. That 'something' might not be offered so freely if it did not appear to be an intimate exchange and if the ultimate strategy had been visible at the outset.
Secrets are generally hostile to intimacy in a committed relationship, but not knowing of the existence of a secret, one can continue to believe there is intimacy. Maintaining the illusion of intimacy may be a strategic skill where there is an imbalance of power brought about by the existence of a secret. Knowledge is the currency of power. Betrayal of intimacy can be a traumatic experience. The person can feel cheated as well as humiliated.

I heard that 50% of marriages in Australia fail. After my little bit of research tonight, I'm guessing it's not because my-bum-looks-big-in-this, but rather we fool ourselves into thinking that we don't have to put in effort. The effort to stay emotionally intimate with our partners. And that's the point really. It takes effort.

I cleaned the kitchen today. Does that count? :-P

G'night