May.I.be.excused.please,my.brain.is.full

I worry about things that I don't even realise. Right now, I think I'm worried about something, but I don't know what it is. Freak me! I just spent the Christmas week having a great time, feeling great, feeling calm and relaxed. Two days back at work and I can feel something building up again. My boss is on holidays, half my team are as well and nothing is going wrong. So why do I feel like shit? Is it all in anticipation? Freak freak fre-ak!

You know, I started this blog as an experiment. Could I find an "outlet" to vent, speak my mind(s) and otherwise diffuse anxiety? There is evidence that would indicate that it works. Whenever I'm feeling good, I don't have much to say. Or at least, I don't feel compelled to come and write something. No matter how meaningless the dribble is. The times that I'm feeling good are generally when I don't post as much. I think. I don't know if it's as effective as it could be however. I don't feel that it's as private as I once felt it was. Not that anyone I know reads it. My friend Sitemaster tells me so. I dunno, it's just what it feels like. Maybe I have even more to say now, like I've gone through a certain level in what I feel safe saying and now that I want to say even more, the risks are higher. And despite all that, keeping a 100% private journal will not work for me. In the past, I've done this and on reading it back it doesn't even make sense to me. So I know that keeping my blog public forces me to construct my words in a somewhat grounded way. Not that I can claim to think that everyone (aka anyone) can understand everything that I write (far from it in fact!) however there are semblances of normalcy that would not exist if I wrote just to and for myself. So to all the anonymous readers out there, thank you for unknowingly keeping my words meaningful.

So to wrap up, there is no wrap up. This blog journey of mine continues, and this post is poorly constructed. There is no beginning, middle and end. There is no purpose, no sub-plot, no twist. It is what it is and it is not what it is not. As so many before me have done the same - I will not read this post over before I hit "publish post". Except I will do the spellczech. ;-) Who knew that fre-ak isn't a word?