Please understand me

I am of 1 percent. This is why you may not understand me. Let me explain the unexplainable.

You may find me as being confident, but this is in knowledge not in action. I am my own worse critic and whatever accomplishment I achieve, there is always something that can be improved upon next time. Making the same mistake twice is abhorrent. That said, my confidence in knowledge may appear to also come across as arrogance, since I make decisions very quickly and easily. You may convince me to change my mind, but the logic had better be perfect. If you try to influence me with authority, give up now. I will always, always be thinking about the next possibility, even if what's happening today is not resolved. But this is not about detail, it is about systems, the new theory, and the consequences. And no new possibility is too far fetched.

You may find that while I am close to you, I am still very very far away. Everyone who knows me will find, at some time, that they don't really know me. I am the most difficult person to buy for. I am very particular in my tastes - of style, entertainment, women, food. And yet these tastes do not have a theme, they would appear random to you. But to me, they all have a certain quality that cannot be quantified, except in my minds eye.

You may find me cold or even hard to read. My emotions are externally kept in check, but I am hypersensitive to rejection. You may think that I don't care about what you are saying, but this is not intentional. Call me a cheat, a liar, or a fake and I might not care. Call me foolish, stupid or incompetent and I'll put you in your place, back in the rat hole you crawled out of. Only I can assess my own capabilities and they are private. I value competence above all else. I will find you attractive if you are my intellectual equal.

You may find that I observe life from the sidelines. A voyeur perhaps. But the idea of getting involved is great, it will give me the opportunity to learn something new. But I'll only do it once.
I need autonomy and privacy, and I am fiercely independent. I need you to be as well, I won't be your crutch for long. I am firm and consistent. Don't ask me to repeat myself.

You may find that I lose track of time. I forget appointments, birthdays, what day it is, and what you just said to me. But I remember what you said, word for word, in a conversation we had three years ago.

This is only a portrait. Hang it on the wall, but you'll still now know me. Only I will ever know me. I don't have the words to explain. Just accept me. Please.