Friday, November 23, 2007

Random meaningless emotion words on a page

1 comments

I failed.

I lost.

I confess.

I cry.

I crawl up into a ball inside my mind to protect myself from the world and hide from the reality that bites at my feet constantly gnashing and clawing and gnarling and growling never never never stopping as I shake and I shiver and I quiver and I quake and feel all alone alone alone (above a raging sea) heart skipping, thumping, pounding, out of my chest and into your arms (tonight) with my soul my life my being my essence.

I wake. Shake this dream from my hair.

You want to know why I hate you? Well I'll try and explain.

Smile wryly,
________ sardonically, naked wretched wench.

Punch.

punchpunchpunchpunch, smack!

Reddened like livery, a snowy other cheek.

yesssssssssssss.

Your escape. My laugh. You're gorgeous.

Wandering through the rain, in Paris. Mon Chérie Amor.

Pulse. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .......... . .. . .. .. . .. ... .. . . .. . . !

Booom! Shake Shake Shake the Room!
Tic Tic Tic Tic Boom!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

My vote

4 comments

I have always, always, always, always voted Liberal.
Why?
I thought they were right, and everyone else was wrong.

Less and less now do I think they are right and everyone else is wrong.
Now they are both right and both wrong. So how to vote.

I am fortunate enough to be comfortable. I am not in desperate need of anything. I don't need more money, better health care, better schools, better public transport, lower interest rates or higher housing affordability. I am secure in my career and am employable, I can access affordable child care, I live where there is little crime, my local beaches are clean and I have enough water.

So how should I vote?

I have the luxury of not having to think about today, tomorrow, next week, next month, or even next year. I do not even have to think about the next five years. I'm thinking about the next ten to twenty years. And what is the point of difference between the parties regarding Australia's future, thinking that far out?

1. Our relationship with the US. The Americanisation of Australia. I used to think that having choice was the fairest way for a society to operate. I think that the US model of "choice" is ineffective and unfair. As Peter Garrett famously penned "The rich get richer, the poor get the picture". I agree. I see our relationship with the US as being corrupt. Not financially, but morally. This is not the direction I want Australia to take. I'd prefer the European model. Better services but higher taxes. Less choice but better outcomes.

2. Kyoto. I used to think that if China and the US didn't sign, then what's the point? I used to think that since we have met the targets then isn't that what matters? I now think that we should have signed it. Why? It the point of it. It is a symbol that we care and no matter the insignificance of our contribution, a lot of small amounts add up to a lot. To put any reason forward why we should not sign is just an excuse. We don't need excuses, we need solutions. And the best place to start is at the beginning. Aspirations turn into plans turn into actions turn into outcomes.

3. Iraq. This is not just morally corrupt but all other types too. Make love not war. And all that. Enough said.

So I'm voting Green. There, I said it. I never thought I'd say it but there you go. I'm no "greeny" save the frogs and shit, but my values are now firmly aligned with theirs on climate change and foreign affairs.

And Bob Brown will turn straight for Missy Higgins. Enough said.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Standing up taller

0 comments

I actually feel taller today.
And I've put on 2kg. This is not a bad thing.
Why why why why? Well I'm feeling good. Actually, the best I have for a while.
I think there's a lesson here.
Anxiety is bad for your posture.

This song has come into my head.....

Underworld - Stand Up

What d'you see when you look at me?
You got somethin' you need to say
your eyes are cryin' but your voice is still
well don't wait for charity to pay your bill!

Stand up!
The door is open wide stand up!
It's time to turn your tide
just once tell me what you keep behind those eyes
we all plead intentions,
but the devil's intentions aren't good (ya know!)

Everybody has got their cross
but you wear yours right across your face
damning me with your sainted eyes
suffering our compromise

Stand up!
The door is open wide stand up!
It's time to turn your tide
just once tell me what you keep behind those eyes
we all plead intentions,
but the devil's intentions aren't good (ya know!)

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Beautiful Flower

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Firstly, there's a new India Arie album out soon, so hooray. Here's the single from it. Beautiful Flower. To my fairer readers; if you're feeling glum, then this song is for you.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Re-re-vitalised

5 comments

New look. New name. Same me.

Frustration Synonym

0 comments

.





gah!







.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

About M (The Amanda interview)

2 comments

I responded to this post by the worldly Amanda yesterday. So here I am, with five questions asked by the enigmatic Sandgroper, answered for you. If you want me to ask you five questions, leave me a comment!


1. The first time I read your blog, you were confessing your love of The Audreys, which I share. I think you mentioned that this was not the usual type of music you'd listen to- is there anything else you love that we might find surprising?

Ha ha! I'm not sure it was a confession so much but rather an expression of... well... infatuation over Taasha Coates! I figure your question is not necessarily about music? I'm not sure if this is terribly surprising, but it sure is something I love. And it's very specific. I love cooking Christmas Eve dinner for my family and friends. It has always been a tradition for my father's family that Christmas is celebrated on Christmas Eve. As kids, we'd always have a Christmas with each set of Grandparents. Now, in my family, I cook on Christmas Eve and invite all the local family and our close friends around. It has become something that our friends really enjoy and have come to incorporate into their Christmas routine. I cook the same food that my Grandmother would - veal schnitzel, fried red cabbage (like sauerkraut), and vegetables. But I've added my own variant by adding a home-made chilli-tomato sauce. I buy an entire veal topside, cut thin as paper, and crumb it in cornflake crumbs. I love how it takes me all day to get the kitchen organised, cook all the meat and sauce, then have everyone arrive eager to see how much they can stuff into their stomachs! Then we all sit around and talk, drink, and enjoy each others company. And then we usually walk around the streets looking at the Christmas lights. The perfect way to start Christmas! Apologies to anyone reading whose mouth is watering right now....


2. You recently wrote about how proud (or at least pleased) you were that your children inherited some of your deformities- what other achievements by your children are you proud of?

Well, there are four of them, so I'll think of something for each of them. They are all quite still young, so "achievement" is an awkward word to draw upon, but we'll see how it goes.

LittleM1. Well, this was something that happened at school. She is not the most socially adept child. Not totally shy and withdrawn, but social skills are something that we really have to work on. Anyhow, at school one day, LittleM1's class were asked to each write down on a piece of paper, who their "friend of the week" was, and why. Then, one by one, they each had to read out what they had written down. Well! Over half the class wrote down LittleM1! They all said "she's nice to me" and "for sharing" and "playing nicely". And this was the first "friend of the week" that the class had done. Shock and pride were my simultaneous emotions. It happened to be parent-teacher interviews that week. We discussed this at length! Even the teachers were blown away by what had happened. As an aside, the teachers said that LittleM1 smiles all the time and now that they've met me, they know where that smile comes from. Aww shucks!

LittleM2 has challenges. He's neurologically atypical - that's all I'll say. Simple things that we'd take for granted with the others are difficult with LittleM2. We have to teach him everything. Except how to escape - that ability is self taught. Anyhow, I don't know if it's pride, but it's something. LittleM2 is just lovable. His smile, his pleasant nature, the joy he finds in his world. You just want to cuddle him. I guess I'm proud of the way he is, even given the way he is.

LittleM3 is a cheeky monkey. I love her spirit, her individuality, her forthright nature. I love that she is such a unique individual. I'm proud of her for giving anything a go. She's never scared of anything (except bugs and bad dreams).

LittleM4 is the youngest of the clan and is only two. You'd think that being so young and with three older siblings, he'd be run over. Nope. He stands up for himself and usually gets his own way with them. And with us. I'm proud of him for that. Oh, and we love his smile too.

What is it about smiles? On reflection, we do tend to get a lot of people comment to us on our kids smiles. Maybe it's because they get tickles so often, their smile muscles get a good workout!


3. You recently started a photography blog. Is your interest in photography a recent development, or a long-standing one, and what are your favourite subjects to capture on film?

I've always been interested in photography. I've never done any courses or anything like that, but I like to snap away and hope for a "magic" shot. You know, the one that's out of focus but captures the emotion? That's the point too - for me, it's all about the emotion of the moment, not the replication of the event.

Most certainly my favourite subjects to capture are people. One of my favourite photos of my wife was one I snapped as she was laughing and looking at me, that instant before the "don't take a photo of me" look. It's very out of focus and was taken with an old compact film camera - but the emotion of the moment was priceless. Her blue eyes sparkle and show pure joy. She took a photo of LittleM1 and LittleM4 once - they were just sitting together against a wall and both their eyes just gleamed.

Now you've got me thinking though Amanda. Why the interest in photography? I think I'm a voyeur! I like to watch!


4. Not too long ago, you blogged a letter to your father. What would you hope a similar letter from one of your own children would say in 30 years time?

Oooooh. A toughie, but a goody. I'll quote Pulp Fiction;

The Wolf: You see that, young lady? Respect. Respect for one's elders gives character.
Raquel: I have character.
The Wolf: Just because you are a character doesn't mean that you have character.

So that's my answer. I'd like to think that my children will respect me (for who I am, not what I've done), and that they will see me as someone who has character.


5. You met your wife drunk on Midore one night. If you were to go back and change anything about that night, what would it be? Or perhaps it all worked out so well in the end that you wouldn't change anything?

I'll often look back at certain events in my life and say "I wonder what would have happened if..." or "I wonder how things might have turned out if only...". I've wondered what would have happened if I'd not taken "the job" out of school and studied architecture like I'd always wanted. Or if I hadn't behaved badly and instead I'd treated that girl with a bit more respect.

But that drunken NYE is not one of those events. All good came from it. From our first date, there seemed to be something there. I still to this day can't (for the life of me) describe what "it" is, and I don't think I realised it at the time. But it was there. That night, when we met, I didn't feel an overwhelming feeling of "oh my god she's the one". I wasn't particularly confident (given the alcohol) or anything else like that. One thing that was unique I suppose was that as one date was followed by another and another, the progression appeared and felt natural. It never seemed to me that it wasn't going to happen. I felt it did not need to be said, since it was obvious to me.

So I wouldn't change that night. I wouldn't even swap the Midori for something cool. The fact it was Midori makes it a cool story, don't you reckon?



If you want to be interviewed, leave me a comment including the words "Interview me." I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions. If you don't have a valid email address on your blog, please provide one. You will update your blog with a post containing your answers to the questions. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Do not worry

3 comments

If something can be done, then do it. Do not worry. If something cannot be done, then it cannot be done. Do not worry.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Snagglepuss

1 comments

I don't know what's causing me to be stressed.

When I am stressed, it's normally quite easy to pick what the cause is, what's weighing me down.

It could be that my boss is pissing me off. It could be that I've had an argument. It could be that all the little things that happen in the day that culminate in an internal scream. Not at the moment.

But then again, it doesn't feel the same either. Normally, when I'm stressed, I get cranky. Moody. Frustrated. Right now, I don't actually feel bad. In fact, I feel quite relaxed. I am calm and quite happy. It's more like I feel leaden, slow, I can't think of a third adjective.

I'll relate this perhaps to something you might be familiar with. You know how when you're in the zone - you are in flow - that things just zip along. And nothing bothers you? You forget everything else, time does not matter, you skip lunch, outside distractions no longer exist and you are at your very best? Well... the "funk" I'm in seems to be the opposite to that. I never feel in flow any more. Everything distracts me. The only reason that the day passes quickly is when I am up to my neck in the shit. Nothing really gets done, I'm treading water. Yeah, that sums it up. I'm treading water. Standing still. Marking time. The big red pause button of my life is fully depressed.

"You white men are lost. You don't understand the land, too many silly questions. Your presence on this Earth will come to an end. You have no sense, no purpose, no direction."
- Where the Green Ants Dream

Where does one begin to find purpose?
What is sense?
What direction should I take, and how far should I take it?
Do I type destination: purpose into a SatNav and let it lead me there?
With a sweet yet lifeless recorded female voice: "In 3 minutes, turn left on MidLifeCrisis Avenue. Continue for years and years and years."

Perhaps I need to find God.
A God. Any God.
A good God.
One that will still let me drink, fuck and swear. In that and not-necessarily-that order. But will forgive me these Sins, yet show me the light. Enable enlightenment. Transcendence.
One that gives good Karma.
Oh, and one who'll let me eat baby cows. Lightly crumbed and fried. (I love my Christmas eve dinner). And who'll buy me a Mercedes-Benz.

This was supposed to be a serious post about my Funk. Now it's just turned silly. I'm making fun of myself. That's how much of a Funk I'm in. I can't stay on task writing about not being able stay on task.

The SatNav is talking to me right now. Except it's the voice of Snagglepuss. "Exit, stage left!"

Heavens to Murgatroyd!

Sunday, November 4, 2007

What I'm talking about

1 comments




Do you think the name of my blog is interesting? I do. I pinched it from a Gary Larson cartoon. Not that I have a small head or anything. I just so often have so many things going on in my mind that it feels chokka-blok sometimes. You know? And often, I feel like I have to excuse myself, to allow things to rearrange, sink in, diffuse, expunge, straighten out, or just fade back.

I've posted about life and love, religion and passion, family and work. Does any of this reflect forwards the real me however? I have a belief that I am very hard to know. I cannot be expected to act (or react) in a certain way. And yet, my life's journey seems steady, forward, conditioned, predictable. My life's events seem known (on an observers reflection).

I still haven't found what I'm looking for. Forgive (or excuse) my seemed inflated ego when I say that I have always thought that I'm here for a reason. Here that is, on this earth. Existing. Do I have to 'find' my life's purpose or will it find me? I don't want to contradict myself though - since I've expressed an opinion that the meaning to all our lives is in the journey itself. This yields much less satisfaction however than if I'm here to achieve a specific thing.

I've posted about 'what's next'. These are things about the here and now, the things that are hands on, touchable, tangible, (even legible), non-abstract activities and actions that have some connection to an end game. I've reflected on these things. What is it that they have in common? What am I really trying to achieve? They are all in my control, they all take effort, and they all yield longer than short-term results. They all require a certain state of mind. And a change to the now to effect the tomorrow.

I have a very analytical mind. I'm certainly not being modest in this regard. I've been able to (and have pften had to) temper this with time and empathy to be effective. I can sum up a complex problem (and on my own) sooner than others and offer solutions that only reveal themselves as correct with the passing of time. So what? It means that I cannot adequately explain using these words, this keyboard, and the brevity of these few minutes what I feel compelled to explain.

I can see the brim of the light ahead. It is bright and white. I think I know now where to look to find my answers. I have hope and I trust.

I may take a break for a few days, to read, to think and to de-clutter my overflowing mind.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Toy attachment

0 comments

Dear Santa,
I've been a good boy this year.
Please can I have one?
Please?
Thanks dude,
M

Freak Update

2 comments

Hot off the presses.....
Not only does my #2 kidlet have the same freakish growth on his ribs that I do, my #1 and #4 kidlets have double jointed thumbs too.
I'm so proud!
No luck #3 yet... but I'm still looking.
Surely she can't be normal?!
No! Anything but normal!!!

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Grip

1 comments

I went to my doctor today. Don't panic! I'm not sick!

Just some things I wanted checked out, and it required some examination of my hands and the reflexes in my fingers. At the end, she says "squeeze my fingers" and points per index and middle fingers out to me.

OK, you asked for it.....

"Ok, Ok, Ok, that's enough! Nothing wrong there!" she states, perhaps surprised. You see, I'd said that I'd been feeling a little "weak" in my hands lately.

She said I have the strongest grip of anyone she'd ever examined. I hope I didn't break her finger.

I'd always thought I'd had a strong grip. You know those little machines they use during fitness tests where you squeeze them to test your strength? I'd always rate "very high". Not that I'm all buff or anything. In fact, my forearms are quite lean.

Speaking of grip however, I think I have a pretty strong grip in other ways too.....

- Grip on the earth. I wear a size 12-13 (depends on the make). "You've got a good grip on the earth there son!"

- Grip on reality. I think I understand most things pretty well. No, I sell myself short. I think I understand everything very well. FIGJAM.

- In the Grip. I go there a bit.

But no, I've never been to Grip, nor have I ever worked as a Grip. My sister always tells me to get a grip, but I tell her to fulabuck-olaboff. :-)

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

I don't facking heart u

5 comments

If I read "I heart you" one more fucking time, I'm going to go mental.

I think if I actually heard someone say it, in person, I'd stab them in the heart.
With a really sharp stick.
Dipped in poison.
Twenty eight times.
Then push them in front of a bus.
A really big one.
Driven by Sandra Bullock.


So there.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

In Radiohead we trust

3 comments

Grumble....

Daylight saving. Lost one hour sleep.
The kids don't know any better. What they do know is they can't watch Bindi this morning since it's already been on. My explanation did not help one bit.

So what else can we watch.
Flick. No.
Flick. Not that either.
Flick. ABC2. Music?
I know, the other music with the bar at the bottom.
You mean from this (my Zen)?
Yes!

fyi, I plus in my Zen to the TV which is hooked up to the home theatre.

How about this? Radiohead!

Inexplicably, all the kids start to dance when this comes on....



Radiohead over The Wiggles and BoohBah? There is hope. Real hope!

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Mood of the Day

0 comments

Most often it's a song or an expletive that best describes my mood. Today it's, of all things, a poem. Enjoy.

The Sun Rising

Busy old fool, unruly Sun,
Why dost thou thus,
Through windows, and through curtains, call on us?
Must to thy motions lovers' seasons run?
Saucy pedantic wretch, go chide
Late schoolboys, and sour prentices,
Go tell court-huntsmen that the king will ride,
Call country ants to harvest offices,
Love, all alike, no season knows, nor clime,
Nor hours, days, months, which are the rags of time.


Thy beams, so reverend and strong
Why shouldst thou think?
I could eclipse and cloud them with a wink,
But that I would not lose her sight so long:
If her eyes have not blinded thine,
Look, and tomorrow late, tell me
Whether both th' Indias of spice and mine
Be where thou leftst them, or lie here with me.
Ask for those kings whom thou saw'st yesterday,
And thou shalt hear: "All here in one bed lay."

She is all states, and all princes I,
Nothing else is.
Princes do but play us; compar'd to this,
All honour's mimic, all wealth alchemy.
Thou, sun, art half as happy 's we,
In that the world's contracted thus;
Thine age asks ease, and since thy duties be
To warm the world, that's done in warming us.
Shine here to us, and thou art everywhere;
This bed thy centre is, these walls, thy sphere.


---- John Donne

Friday, October 26, 2007

1 comments

I love my ADSL2

Thursday, October 25, 2007

New Old Favourite

0 comments

Do you ever hear an old song for the first time in a long while, and fall in love with it all over again? I was listening to INXS on my Zen yesterday, and "To look at you" came on.

Lovin' it.


What is the name to call
For a different kind of girl
Who knows the feelings
But never the words

To look at you
And never speak
Is so good
For me tonite

Who do you ask when there's no one
Left to turn to
You ask me and I'll
always try to hear
Past money and colours
and make believe
Good cheap values for
a thrifty clown

To Look at You
And never speak
Is so good
For me tonite

What do you fear in the simple
Still of a summer's nite
I understand I
sympathize for a daydream
Fairytales and I love you

What is the name to call
For a different kind of girl
Who knows the feeling's
But never the words

To this ... real life documentary


Shabooh Shoobah really was the best INXS album wasn't it?

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

New toy

4 comments

I have another new toy to play with. Somehow, something K wanted was also something I wanted. How rare is that? Pretty rare. No bribery and corruption required, just "let's buy it then. OK." So we did. And not the you beaut variety, but excellent value. Good onya Ted's.





To celebrate, and in anticipation of things to come, I've created a brand-new, dedicated photo-blog-journal. It's for all I cap·ture (kăp'chər) and want to share.

Salt & Vinegar

0 comments

Aldi Salt & Vinegar Chips are so strong that they "burned" my mouth. The skin on the inside of my mouth, around my lips, has been peeling off for the past two days.

Unless you've got asbestos lined gums, keep well clear.

A free consumer tip from M.