Snagglepuss

I don't know what's causing me to be stressed.

When I am stressed, it's normally quite easy to pick what the cause is, what's weighing me down.

It could be that my boss is pissing me off. It could be that I've had an argument. It could be that all the little things that happen in the day that culminate in an internal scream. Not at the moment.

But then again, it doesn't feel the same either. Normally, when I'm stressed, I get cranky. Moody. Frustrated. Right now, I don't actually feel bad. In fact, I feel quite relaxed. I am calm and quite happy. It's more like I feel leaden, slow, I can't think of a third adjective.

I'll relate this perhaps to something you might be familiar with. You know how when you're in the zone - you are in flow - that things just zip along. And nothing bothers you? You forget everything else, time does not matter, you skip lunch, outside distractions no longer exist and you are at your very best? Well... the "funk" I'm in seems to be the opposite to that. I never feel in flow any more. Everything distracts me. The only reason that the day passes quickly is when I am up to my neck in the shit. Nothing really gets done, I'm treading water. Yeah, that sums it up. I'm treading water. Standing still. Marking time. The big red pause button of my life is fully depressed.

"You white men are lost. You don't understand the land, too many silly questions. Your presence on this Earth will come to an end. You have no sense, no purpose, no direction."
- Where the Green Ants Dream

Where does one begin to find purpose?
What is sense?
What direction should I take, and how far should I take it?
Do I type destination: purpose into a SatNav and let it lead me there?
With a sweet yet lifeless recorded female voice: "In 3 minutes, turn left on MidLifeCrisis Avenue. Continue for years and years and years."

Perhaps I need to find God.
A God. Any God.
A good God.
One that will still let me drink, fuck and swear. In that and not-necessarily-that order. But will forgive me these Sins, yet show me the light. Enable enlightenment. Transcendence.
One that gives good Karma.
Oh, and one who'll let me eat baby cows. Lightly crumbed and fried. (I love my Christmas eve dinner). And who'll buy me a Mercedes-Benz.

This was supposed to be a serious post about my Funk. Now it's just turned silly. I'm making fun of myself. That's how much of a Funk I'm in. I can't stay on task writing about not being able stay on task.

The SatNav is talking to me right now. Except it's the voice of Snagglepuss. "Exit, stage left!"

Heavens to Murgatroyd!

What I'm talking about

Do you think the name of my blog is interesting? I do. I pinched it from a Gary Larson cartoon. Not that I have a small head or anything. I just so often have so many things going on in my mind that it feels chokka-blok sometimes. You know? And often, I feel like I have to excuse myself, to allow things to rearrange, sink in, diffuse, expunge, straighten out, or just fade back.

I've posted about life and love, religion and passion, family and work. Does any of this reflect forwards the real me however? I have a belief that I am very hard to know. I cannot be expected to act (or react) in a certain way. And yet, my life's journey seems steady, forward, conditioned, predictable. My life's events seem known (on an observers reflection).

I still haven't found what I'm looking for. Forgive (or excuse) my seemed inflated ego when I say that I have always thought that I'm here for a reason. Here that is, on this earth. Existing. Do I have to 'find' my life's purpose or will it find me? I don't want to contradict myself though - since I've expressed an opinion that the meaning to all our lives is in the journey itself. This yields much less satisfaction however than if I'm here to achieve a specific thing.

I've posted about 'what's next'. These are things about the here and now, the things that are hands on, touchable, tangible, (even legible), non-abstract activities and actions that have some connection to an end game. I've reflected on these things. What is it that they have in common? What am I really trying to achieve? They are all in my control, they all take effort, and they all yield longer than short-term results. They all require a certain state of mind. And a change to the now to effect the tomorrow.

I have a very analytical mind. I'm certainly not being modest in this regard. I've been able to (and have pften had to) temper this with time and empathy to be effective. I can sum up a complex problem (and on my own) sooner than others and offer solutions that only reveal themselves as correct with the passing of time. So what? It means that I cannot adequately explain using these words, this keyboard, and the brevity of these few minutes what I feel compelled to explain.

I can see the brim of the light ahead. It is bright and white. I think I know now where to look to find my answers. I have hope and I trust.

I may take a break for a few days, to read, to think and to de-clutter my overflowing mind.

Toy attachment

Dear Santa,

I've been a good boy this year.

Please can I have one?

Please?

Thanks dude,

M

Freak Update

Hot off the presses.....
Not only does my #2 kidlet have the same freakish growth on his ribs that I do, my #1 and #4 kidlets have double jointed thumbs too.
I'm so proud!
No luck #3 yet... but I'm still looking.
Surely she can't be normal?!
No! Anything but normal!!!

Grip

I went to my doctor today. Don't panic! I'm not sick!

Just some things I wanted checked out, and it required some examination of my hands and the reflexes in my fingers. At the end, she says "squeeze my fingers" and points per index and middle fingers out to me.

OK, you asked for it.....

"Ok, Ok, Ok, that's enough! Nothing wrong there!" she states, perhaps surprised. You see, I'd said that I'd been feeling a little "weak" in my hands lately.

She said I have the strongest grip of anyone she'd ever examined. I hope I didn't break her finger.

I'd always thought I'd had a strong grip. You know those little machines they use during fitness tests where you squeeze them to test your strength? I'd always rate "very high". Not that I'm all buff or anything. In fact, my forearms are quite lean.

Speaking of grip however, I think I have a pretty strong grip in other ways too.....

- Grip on the earth. I wear a size 12-13 (depends on the make). "You've got a good grip on the earth there son!"

- Grip on reality. I think I understand most things pretty well. No, I sell myself short. I think I understand everything very well. FIGJAM.

- In the Grip. I go there a bit.

But no, I've never been to Grip, nor have I ever worked as a Grip. My sister always tells me to get a grip, but I tell her to fulabuck-olaboff. :-)

I don't facking heart u

If I read "I heart you" one more fucking time, I'm going to go mental.

I think if I actually heard someone say it, in person, I'd stab them in the heart.
With a really sharp stick.
Dipped in poison.
Twenty eight times.
Then push them in front of a bus.
A really big one.
Driven by Sandra Bullock.


So there.

In Radiohead we trust

Grumble....

Daylight saving. Lost one hour sleep.
The kids don't know any better. What they do know is they can't watch Bindi this morning since it's already been on. My explanation did not help one bit.

So what else can we watch.
Flick. No.
Flick. Not that either.
Flick. ABC2. Music?
I know, the other music with the bar at the bottom.
You mean from this (my Zen)?
Yes!

fyi, I plus in my Zen to the TV which is hooked up to the home theatre.

How about this? Radiohead!

Inexplicably, all the kids start to dance when this comes on....



Radiohead over The Wiggles and BoohBah? There is hope. Real hope!

Mood of the Day

Most often it's a song or an expletive that best describes my mood. Today it's, of all things, a poem. Enjoy.

The Sun Rising

Busy old fool, unruly Sun,
Why dost thou thus,
Through windows, and through curtains, call on us?
Must to thy motions lovers' seasons run?
Saucy pedantic wretch, go chide
Late schoolboys, and sour prentices,
Go tell court-huntsmen that the king will ride,
Call country ants to harvest offices,
Love, all alike, no season knows, nor clime,
Nor hours, days, months, which are the rags of time.

Thy beams, so reverend and strong
Why shouldst thou think?
I could eclipse and cloud them with a wink,
But that I would not lose her sight so long:
If her eyes have not blinded thine,
Look, and tomorrow late, tell me
Whether both th' Indias of spice and mine
Be where thou leftst them, or lie here with me.
Ask for those kings whom thou saw'st yesterday,
And thou shalt hear: "All here in one bed lay."

She is all states, and all princes I,
Nothing else is.
Princes do but play us; compar'd to this,
All honour's mimic, all wealth alchemy.
Thou, sun, art half as happy 's we,
In that the world's contracted thus;
Thine age asks ease, and since thy duties be
To warm the world, that's done in warming us.
Shine here to us, and thou art everywhere;
This bed thy centre is, these walls, thy sphere.

---- John Donne

I love my ADSL2

New Old Favourite

Do you ever hear an old song for the first time in a long while, and fall in love with it all over again? I was listening to INXS on my Zen yesterday, and "To look at you" came on.

Lovin' it.


What is the name to call
For a different kind of girl
Who knows the feelings
But never the words

To look at you
And never speak
Is so good
For me tonite

Who do you ask when there's no one
Left to turn to
You ask me and I'll
always try to hear
Past money and colours
and make believe
Good cheap values for
a thrifty clown

To Look at You
And never speak
Is so good
For me tonite

What do you fear in the simple
Still of a summer's nite
I understand I
sympathize for a daydream
Fairytales and I love you

What is the name to call
For a different kind of girl
Who knows the feeling's
But never the words

To this ... real life documentary


Shabooh Shoobah really was the best INXS album wasn't it?

New toy

I have another new toy to play with. Somehow, something K wanted was also something I wanted. How rare is that? Pretty rare. No bribery and corruption required, just "let's buy it then. OK." So we did. And not the you beaut variety, but excellent value. Good onya Ted's.

To celebrate, and in anticipation of things to come, I've created a brand-new, dedicated photo-blog-journal. It's for all I cap·ture (kăp'chər) and want to share.

Salt & Vinegar

Aldi Salt & Vinegar Chips are so strong that they "burned" my mouth. The skin on the inside of my mouth, around my lips, has been peeling off for the past two days.

Unless you've got asbestos lined gums, keep well clear.

A free consumer tip from M.

My boy

I am a mutant. But aren't we all. My deformities are very specific and unique. But aren't yours too?

Firstly, the second toe on my right foot is wickedly bent. Just that one toe. It works fine, for walking and for fishing.

Secondly, my right ear is higher than the left and sticks out more. It reminds me every morning when I look in the mirror. I look at myself, and my ear says "Good morning freak!"

Thirdly, my thumbs are double jointed. Not my fingers, just the thumbs. They can bend backwards nearly 90 degrees. Good for massages actually, we all like this deformity.

Fourthly, my right arm is 2cm longer than my left. Good for nothing at all. Except reaching things a bit higher.

Fifthly, My canine teeth are really like a canine. All pointy and shit. Like a vampire! No! I am a vampire! I've come to suuuck your blooood!

Lastly, most bizarrely, and yet most cool, I have extra cartilage or something growing on my bottom left rib. It pokes out like I'm growing an alien love child (shhhh!). But why is this cool?

My son has the same thing. Awesome.

The debate?

Or was it a popularity contest? I agree that John Howard has all the charisma of a John Howard, but I can't believe that people think Rudd has much more.

I started off with the decision: to worm or not to worm. As it turns out, I should have taken my Combantrin and watched the ABC. The 60 minutes audience were voting before anything was said. Literally. It simply made the worm irrelevant, except for the relative difference between what each leader had to say about any particular topic, or who seemed to be more credible about one topic or another. I must say that I did laugh a couple of times. Once, in a slip of the most Freudian kind, Rudd almost said "Mr Coward" instead of "Mr Howard" until he caught himself.

I'll divide this post into two parts, the synopsis, and the blow by blow commentary.

SYNOPSIS

Rudd wins when they talk about:
- Tax on higher income earners
- Kyoto
- George Bush

Howard wins when they talk about:
- Unions
- Practical environment solutions
- China

Pretty even on other things, like Indigenous affairs, Iraq, education, interest rates, inflation, child care.

It seemed the risks for both sides are with the team they have behind them. Johnny got poor marks when Turnbull and Costello are mentioned, and likewise Rudd when Combet and Shorten are spoken about.

COMMENTARY

I did like that the cricket analogy was used at the start. The PM sent Kevvy in to bat.
The Labour innings went like this....

The Labour openers score well with a few beautiful cut shots to the boundary in the first over. The cost of living comments are paying off well for Rudd.

After 10 overs, it's 0/65.

Johnny is still flat. But then he changes bowlers, brings on the spinners. Let's not get back to the old days with Union bosses!

After 20 overs, it's looking better for the home side. Both openers are back in the pavilion and it's 2/112.

Some comments about TV ads and broadband help the batting side here. It looks like those two wickets have not slowed down the scoring at all.

After 30 overs, it's 2/187.

Oh no, a dropped catch for the government. Why did he confirm that Costello would be the next captain! And he's doing a great job as vice captain now!

After 40 overs, it's moved on to 2/261. It looks like a big score to chase down.

More talk about unions, this should help the bowlers. And yes, finally the breakthrough! Comments about union financial support to the Labour party brings about a run-out. The new batsman to the crease is not fazed, the very next ball is launched over the boundary for six! Apparently people like what the unions did with James Hardie victims!

At the end of their 50 overs, the visitors (and the favourites by the way) and well in command, amassing a score of 3/339.

Now the home side is in to bat.

Poor start, no wickets but a slow run-rate. We shouldn't remind the public that the government have been in power for so long.

After 10 overs, 0/29. It's a long way home from here.

Wicket! A tax refund on computers yorks the batsman and knocks the middle stump out of the ground. Then more wickets tumble. Interest rates take their toll. A dodgy lbw decision makes things worse.

After 20 overs, 4/75. But it looks like rain.

Masterstroke from the PM! He calls Rudd pathetic! Brilliant batting PM! And it's a rain dance that has worked, the rain tumbles down and the covers go on.

This doesn't look good, we may not get a result.

But wait, it looks like things are clearing up. And yes, it's been announced that play will resume shortly. The revised target is 265 off 38 overs.

Back in the middle, the PM lays it all out, making statements about union policy on full employment being put aside over workplace control. Bit it's a swing and miss I'm afraid Johnny!

The next few overs pass and the battle is even.

After 30 overs, the government have regained some ground, but the win looks out of reach. 6/145. 120 needed off just 8 overs.

Nice play again from the PM. He needs to stay at the crease if the government are to have any hope in this match. Great hook shot over the link between the environment and the economy - good scoring opportunities here. 16 off that over!

Turnbull is out! Or is he? There's mass confusion in the middle. The PM backs Turnbull over bush and the crowd doesn't know whether to cheer or boo! The 3rd umpire gives him out. A good innings but now it's 7/199. 66 needed in 4 overs.

Trump cards now, talk about APEC and getting China to talk to the USA. Four! Four! Four! This is getting close!

No! Don't talk about Bush! Howard is out! 8/231.
Terrorism threat increased or decreased since Iraq? Out! 9/235.
Labour brings his strike bowler back straight away. Combat troops will be withdrawn from Iraq next year. But the edge goes through the slips! Missed chance there!

Are you sorry Johnny? Are you sorry that you're not sorry? No! It's disrespectful! Six! 9/250.
Just 14 needed off the last over.

Big Mal is at the crease now. Go Mal, Go Mal!
Four, Two, Dot, Two, Four!
Just two needed to win off the last ball!
Edged through cover, they get the first, coming back for the second, The return is fired in at the keeper..... and .... a run-out is it? Yes! it's a run-out! It's a tie! It's a hung debate.

More like a mastur-bate. It really was a wank, a toss, a pull, a slog, a tug, a jack-off.
I don't think it helped anyone make any decisions. I think it's foregone who Australia likes the most. We just won't know if this translates into votes.

I vote for Ray Martin. Or that dude from SkyNews, whoever he was.
Better yet, I vote for me.
Vote M for PM!
I'll give you free broadband, but you have to have my blog as your homepage. Deal?

Whoopee doo

Oh, looks like that last post was #100. If you don't count posts on my last blog. Hoorah. Do I get a 2 for 1 offer at Montezumas? How about a complimentary mint on my pillow? No? Okay. How about a $21 a week tax cut? Yes?!? Cool! Thanks. What if we get a hung parliament? Do I get $42?

Go me.

Language

Why the heck do we have words that mean more than one thing? I mean, if you want to describe something "new" pick a new word! Don't just pick a word that's already being used to describe something completely different and say "well, it means this now too." Here are some that are particularly interesting....

Culture:
1. Patterns of human activity and the symbolic structures that give such activity significance.
2. The growing of microorganisms in a nutrient medium.

Solution: Oh hang on - they're actually the same.... No solution required.

Deck:
1. A pack of cards
2. A raised wooden platform adjoining a house
3. To punch someone and they fall down

Solution: Call the cards a Dec, and the punch a Dek. Done.

Dock:
1. Water next to a pier
2. What I'll do to your pay if you're late!

Solution: Call the pay deduction a "Dohk", named after the famous industrialist Edward Dohk.

Draw:
1. Like with a pencil and paper
2. Equal scores
3. What you do with your weapons

Solution: When the scores are the same, call it a Drawtie. That covers off when it's a tie too. Ban guns, that'll fix that.

Fall:
1. To be one with gravity
2. What the yanks call Autumn.

Solution: Call it Autumn already!

Period:
1. A punctuation at the end of a sentence. i.e. a full stop.
2. Something that causes madness once a month in half of the petre dish's microorganisms.

Solution: Call it a full stop. I do. What's wrong with you?

Pontoon:
1. A buoyancy device
2. Blackjack

Solution: Call it Blackjack. Der.

Root:
1. What Wombats eat with leaves.
2. What Aussie blokes do before they leave.
3. What Yanks do at a sporting event.

Solution: Leave the trees alone, use fuck and cheer.

Shower:
1. How we keep clean
2. What chicks do when other chicks have babies.

Solution: Call the baby shower what it is, an excuse for a girly party.

Strike:
1. Swinging and missing a baseball
2. Hitting any other type of ball
3. Industrial action.

Solution: If you miss the baseball, you have not struck it, so it cannot be a strike! C'mon, what's the matter here! Call it a miss already! As for the industrial action, just call it a Mass-Dohk.

Get this....
Trapezium:
1. a quadrilateral with one pair of parallel sides (English definition)
2. a quadrilateral with no parallel sides (Yank definition)
Trapezoid:
1. a quadrilateral with one pair of parallel sides (Yank definition)
2. a quadrilateral with no parallel sides (English definition)

Solution: Have a meeting, decide once and for all and send us all a memo.

QED.
What's next?

Fucking Idiots, Pt 2

In fact, this song sums it up nicely too......

The Cure - Shiver and Shake

You're just a waste of time
You're just a babbling face
You're just three sick holes that run like sores
You're a fucking waste
You're like a slug on the floor
Oh you're useless and ugly
And useless and ugly
And I shiver and shake
When I think of how you make me hate

I want to smash you to pieces
I want to smash you up and screaming
I want to smash you helpless
Down on the floor
Smash you until you're not here anymore

And I shiver and shake
Shiver and shake

Yes, I think that sums it up nicely.

Fucking Idiots

Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Excuse my cussing gentle readers.....

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fucking idiot.
How can you be so fucking rude, stupid, clueless, fucking, fucking, gaaaah!
Fuck off up that fucking rat hole you oozed out of and go fuck yourself.
You're a waste of fucking oxygen.
I hope you die and rot and fester and decay in fucking hell.
I hope the worst of your past is the best of your future.

Fuck you.


Phew, that feels better!

If I had a dollar

If only I had a dollar every time....

.... someone I already did not respect disagreed with with me
.... someone I did already respect agreed with me
.... I went with my head and regretted it
.... I forgot what listening meant
.... I flew rather than fought
.... I wished I could actually fly away
.... I felt uncomfortable singing my own praises
.... I allowed myself to do something less important ahead of something more important
.... I started reading a book and never finished
.... I realised my intentions are greater than my ability
.... I realised my plans are broader than time allows
.... I realised my dreams are further out of reach than I thought
.... I wished I had the words to express what I really wanted to say
.... I realised I could not explain what I know to be true
.... I wanted to punch my boss in the face

What is it to be rich?

Flavour
Wealth
Experience
Colour
Music
Prose
Aroma
Love
History
Time
Life

Election?

So little Johnny has gone and called the election date. Giddy up.

Since I am interested in the outcome, but not to the extent that I will march in a street with a banner, my post is bound to be somewhat in the middle. I suppose I am right wing, but only because I'm not left. But isn't that the definition of right wing anyhow?

I think whatever way you're going to vote, it lines up with a certain biblical philosophy. Particularly about unconditional election.

I quote from wiki....

In Calvinism, this election is called "unconditional" because his choice to save someone does not hinge on anything inherent in the person or on any act that the person performs or belief that the person exercises.

Similar to voting Kevin'07, since a vote for Kevin is just a vote against Johnny. Our vote does not hinge on anything inherent in the person (he's as boring as Johnny) or any act that the person performs (what has he done??) or belief that the person exercises (except that he believes the opposite to Johnny).

or.....

the Armenian doctrine of conditional election in which God's eternal choice to save a person is conditioned on God’s certain foreknowledge of future events, namely, that certain individuals would exercise faith and trust in response to God's offer of salvation.

Similar to voting for Johnny, since our vote is all about our belief that we have foreknowledge of future events, namely, that voters would exercise faith and trust in response to Johnny's offer of a strong economy.

I wonder if there's an unconditional election doctrine for the Greens?
There used to be one for the Democrats, but I can't remember who they are anymore.

A world away and time ago

I remember the dust doesn't take as long to settle as you think. Then, I walk. The weight is not a burden, but I do not forget. It effects my balance. The stones are not slippery here. There are even parts of walking trail off to one side, as a reminder that I'm headed the right way. But I remember, like it was only yesterday. I can hear the water now, splashing down from above. I need to cross before I climb. That tree root, always seemed dead, clinging to the rocks, is still there. I always expect it to be broken, yet it is not, every time I am here. It's in the perfect position for a hand grab, helps me up. At the top, I look down. It's not grand but it feels like mine, this waterfall. A few more metres off to the side. Hammock between two trees. I remember playing cards, drinking wine, and vodka. Jumping into the water - into just the right spot between the rocks - and back again. An eel brushes against my leg. There are voices, some others come to visit. But only for a short while. No-one else stays. They don't know this place (really) like I do. I'm glad. The night is always cool, the breeze always gentle, the stars always bright. Then later, the rain always light. I can spend days and days here. Just me, a friend, and the goannas. I am fifteen and this is my escape.

Breather

Can I put the brakes on the world please?




STOP




Can we all just sit down together and talk over a coffee?
Thanks.

Brain Dump

I'd originally wanted to set this blog up to allow some space to unload all the junk going on in my brain. To de-charge. Some people exercise, listen to music, or fuck. Most often, I need to re-sort my thoughts. Time to throw some things on the page and shuffle them around for later use. Ready?

Change is a circular process, not a linear one, so I welcome it's speed.
I'm not really actively passionate about anything and I think that's sad.
I always thought I was here for a reason. Am I waiting for it to be presented to me?
They say regret is usually because you didn't do something. It's true.
I trust my gut more and more all the time. So much so that I can't explain my logic in words.
I've been told that I often leave people behind when I explain something, that I speak on a different level.
I really, really, really love the 2 minutes of my day when I walk in the house and all the kids run to the door yelling daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy and give me big hugs around my legs. It's about my favourite thing in the world. If only they were bringing chocolate icecream for me too, it'd be perfect.
I can't get "I'm drunk, can't see my glass" out of my head, although I haven't heard Golden Playpen (INXS - Shabooh Shoobah) for years and years and years and you probably don't even know the song.
I don't know sometimes if I'm holding on too tight, or letting go too easily.
I don't like putting myself in other peoples shoes
I'm never going to have a mid-life crisis. It will be a gradual slide that gently rides me up and down, like a rollercoaster baby baby.
Now I've got "Shine Like it Does" in my mind too...

That will do. I'm tired. Goodnight from me (and goodnight from him).

A letter to my father

Dad,

I might start by saying that I'm not sure what I'm going to write, and whatever I do, you might not understand. Is that because I'm not sure that you understand me? Not sure. Perhaps I can't explain to you really what I want to say because I don't really know.

There were some things I never understood about you. Still don't. There seemed to me always a laissez-faire atmosphere about you. About you about me. I think perhaps what really was going on was that you didn't know how to be a dad. You did of course, but you weren't confident about it. Yes, that's it. Were you a confident father? I didn't get that impression. Did I need that? I'm not sure.

The one thing I admire about you though is that you never seem to let your frustrations get the better of you. You just take it all in. Absorb it. I never learnt anger from you. This is a good thing.

I'd written this letter before. Many years ago. It read very different to this one. The last one was filled with misunderstood shame and disappointment. A splash of resentment. I was young and naive. My years add respect to yours. As my wisdom grows, yours becomes apparent. Yet strangely, I can't help but think that luck played a strong part.

Emotions have unique ways of presenting themselves. We all know when you have things bottled up. You pace and frown. You look down and you look down. You get busy doing nothing. I am the same. You know, I don't know what you are passionate about. I am the same. But just because you do not have a passion, does not mean you are not passionate.

I wonder if you are happy. Like really. Is the journey enough or is there an end in mind? I wonder if I can answer the same? Sorry for the random babble. Perhaps this is more a letter to myself than it is to you.

Definitely looking forward to seeing you in a couple of weeks time. I'll make us pizza and share a beer. Sit and chat about nothing. Just be in our space together, where we are comfortable. Like two brothers. Like nothing has changed. Or ever will. This is what we do, and what I miss. The understanding that exists without words.

M

A secret

We just lost the damb rugby to damb England and I can't get to sleep. So I'm back here again while I cool down.

Time to let you in on a secret. Each Saturday, I make pizza for the family. No big deal, I've noted this before. The difference this time is that I'm going to give you the recipe for making the base. Now I've been doing this for a little while. Slowly perfecting my technique, here, there, until I get it just right. I'm no pro, but the pizza tastes damb good (there's that word again). And yes, the picture above is the very pizza from tonight. I was actually that impressed with it I just had to snap a shot. Well, actually, this is one of three I made, I always make enough for three. We used to eat all three, but now there's enough for left over. Tonight we had garlic bread too so there's a whole pizza left to have for lunch while watching Bathurst tomorrow. Go Skaifey. But I digress.

Here goes....

I use a bread machine to mix the dough. Slightly cheating, yes, yes, whatever. It works good and it saves on effort.

• I'm not sure if you're supposed to keep the yeast in the fridge or not, but I do. So step one, two teaspoons in the bowl.
• Then four cups of bakers flour. Plain flour is ok too but the result is just that little bit better with bakers flour. (....not self-raising flour!)
• Put in a slosh of vegetable oil. Now a slosh is actually a technical term. I'm not going to tell you exactly what it is, but I know exactly what my slosh is. Start with two tablespoons and experiment to find your slosh. It works better if you can customise your technique. I find the result is highly dependent on the slosh technique, what feels right. Trust yourself and fight the urge to measure. The love makes up for it.
• A few teaspoons or a couple of tablespoons of sugar. A bit like the oil, go with your gut on this. You must do this immediately after the oil, because the technique is all about flow. Good flow is good mojo.
• Salt: three pinches, using your pointer finger and thumb from your right hand.
• Lastly, add the water. 330mL exactly. This is very important to get the water to flour to yeast ratio correct. And equally important. DO NOT USE WARM WATER. It will fuck it up. Did you write that down? Underline it in red please.
• This will be enough to make three large pizzas. Scale to suit.

Now my machine takes two and a half hours to mix, nead, rest, nead, rest the dough. So have a beer and enjoy the footy.....

Once it's done I split into three and roll out nice and thin. Lately, I've been folding over a finger width of the edge, pressing it down to make the edge a bit thicker (notice in the photo?) and all like a bought one and all.

I use pizza stones too, to cook them on. Get these really froidin hot and whack the base right on there, then put your sauce and toppings on quick. Our standard fare is just tomato paste, ham, pineapple and pizza cheese (mixture or mozzarella, cheddar and parmesan). This is the family favourite. I really prefer my pizza with a Gyulai salami, fresh basil, and bocconcini but hey, you can't always have it your own way. Just like in the rugby.

I'm not sure whether to settle for supporting the kiwis now, or hope for a surprise with Fiji or Argentina. Just anyone but the poms. Goodnight.

You've got mail

Apparently..... I am a lover of contempory dance.
Excuse me?
Apparently..... I was a supporter of the 2007 Sydney Festival
Say what?
Apparently..... I am a friend of the Sydney Dance Company
Che?

You get all sorts of interesting things in the mailbox. This one was the best one for a while. Addressed to me, personally. The letter went like this.....

Dear Friend,

Many thanks for your support of the 2007 Sydney Festival. As a lover of contempory dance, we are pleased to extend a special offer from the Sydney Dacne Company to the return season of Graeme Murphy's Berlin at the Theatre Royal, Sydney.

etc

Now I don't have anything against contempory dance, the Sydney Festival or the Sydney Dance Company. But how the freak did you get my name and address? and why the freak do you think I am a lover slash supporter of said things?

Well all I can say Ms Gina Bowman; Manager, Marketing and Communications is fuck you very much. Your management of marketing and communications aint up to scratch!

Ten on Friday

Thanks mg, I'll just steal your idea for a post.

10 television shows you'd like to have (or already have*) on DVD

1. The West Wing*
Now, The West Wing is simply the best TV show of all time. If you didn't know this already, then I lay my pity upon you :) I miss you West Wing! A substitute is Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Not shown in Australia yet, and only one season made before it was axed.

2. Coupling*
Coupling is the most hilarious comedy of recent times. If you've been living under a rock and don't know what I'm talking about... Do yourself a Molly Meldrum.

3. The Sopranos*
The second best drama of all time. Looooved the ending.

4. Criminal Minds
Only in it's third season (just started in the US) but already a contender for the best crime show of all time.

5. The Ren and Stimpy Show
Need I say more. OK, I will. The original adult childish humour, rocks over Southpark any day. Don't wiz on the electric fence!

6. The Iron Chef (Japanese version)
Forget the US version, that's shite. Matsutake mushrooms are the bomb!

7. Top Gear
Hilarious and blokey at the same time. Perfection. Go the stig!

8. The Office* (UK version)
Another example where the US version blows. The chicken suit episode literally made my sides split. I was sore for a week!

9. Two Pints of Lager (and a Packet of Crisps)*
Not shown in Australia. 6 seasons in the UK, a bit like coupling but more pommy-ocker style. Takes some warming up to, but Corinthian rocks.

10. Gilmore Girls (for K)
When I'm busy doing something else.... :)

It's the question that brought you here

There is no spoon
Do you want to know what it is?
Welcome to the real world

Waffle wrapped waffle

And the moon rose, over an open field. And her face pressed tight and all around the night sang out like cockatoos. Watch out for the hitman. Can't take the smell, can't take the noise. Skyscraper, I love you. In the jungle, the mighty jungle. Everybody comes to a party, expecting a miracle. Who's laughing now? What the world needs today, a little spiritual healing. Wake me up low with a fever.


Excuse my ramblings. You know it's very easy to write when there's something on my mind. Or when something is going on. Or when I'm happy about something. Or when I'm confused. Or afraid. Or alone. Or excited. But what about the other 85% of normal time?


Boring!


That's right now. I could waffle on about some bullshit that no-one will want to read about. And for what? And for what? Or should I say; And for who?


Do my posts have a style? Is there some unique-ity about me? About what I write, or even about how I write? Or am I a Sergeant shmo?

If we could take the time to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain

While stocks last... (Edit : Sorry, no rainchecks)

Edit : You snooze, you lose. Back to anon.... :-)

Bufferfly

Why thank you. Yes, I am very talented. Just another day at the office....

Who am I?

Who am I?

cdp at tortious posted a pic of herself after being tagged for The Face Behind the Blog and subsequently tagged all her readers. So Full Brain Readers; a poll...

Do you want to see what a bloke with a full brain looks like? Who is the M-meister?
Or would you prefer him to remain a man of mystery? Cast your votes now!

What I'll soon be listening to

Oblivion with Bells - Underworld

Very exciting... or is it just me?

Rehab

They tried to make me go to rehab, I said, "No, no, no" - Amy Winehouse

According to Wikipedia, there shiteloads of different types of rehab.
Here's some more I reckon there should be.....

Yeah-Yeah Rehab : For the non-hirsute.

Road-Rage Rehab : For those who get smashed in the face for cutting me off in traffic.

WorkChoices Rehab : For those fucked in the arse by Johnny's IR laws.

ACTU Rehab : For those soon to be fucked in the arse by Ruddy's IR laws.

Back-Door-Benny Rehab : For everyone else who's been fucked in the arse by the law.

Literary Rehab : If you needed to look up what hirsute means.

Blog Rehab : Where ciscobaby is.

Jitters Rehab : If there's too much coffee (too much caaawfey!)

Tigers Rehab : If you don't know who Back-Door-Benny is

Nymphomaniac Rehab : email me ;-)

Self Rehab: So I can "get over myself."

Any more? What rehab do you need?

I rode Percy

He's waaaaay better than Thomas.

Thomas is all huff and puff but no go-go-go!

Percy had more power,

he was a smoother ride, and

he lasted longer.

I'd ride you Percy, any day, over Thomas.

I don't know why all the boys love Thomas the best!

Yes, that's right avid readers. I spent today at a kids birthday party at the Train Shed (at Luddenham, Western Sydney). Great if you've got any kids aged 6 and under. (Shit otherwise!)

What's next? 5: Choose yes

Now this one means different things..... I'll start with a Ronald Reagan quote. "Don't put off until tomorrow what you can put off until the next day." I used to think that was pretty funny. I actually interpret it two ways. "Don't just delay doing the unimportant things, don't waste your time doing them at all." Good advice. or. "If you let something slip a little, you might be able to get out of doing the work altogether!" Not so good advice.

So if I choose yes, I'm making the requisite choice. It may mean that I'll do it now. It may mean that I delegate, or I discard. Either way it's dealt with. The certainty is the yes, the action is appropriate.

The other thing is about the little voice that whispers in your ear.... You'd better do this M. You know you should. You can ignore me but it's not really a good idea. I choose yes. Do what you know is right. Maybe the little fucker on your shoulder will shut up.

Something new is happening. You are cautious. You might normally spend some time thinking about it. Eventually you'll go with your head, the conservative route. Next time..... if I choose yes you'll go with your heart, your gut, your instinct, your first thought.

So yes..... I choose yes.

Fixed HTML

Sorry to anyone reading on less that 1024x768 resolution. Hopefully I've fixed the width issues with my layout now so you don't have to scroll.....

oh, and see my blog value is up above two grand now. See the bottom of the page.

Time to sell.... any bids? :-)

What's Next? 4: Trust your intuition

I ought to start this post by making one thing absolutely clear.

I am fucking brilliant.

I have to waste so much time proving it. Memo to everyone: Save yourself the agony of being proven wrong and just accept that everything I say, do, think, believe, ask, instruct, and state is absolute, no question, solid, 24-carat, gold.

And what's more, (you mean there's more? yes, there's more!) is that I'm right very quickly. I make perfect decisions with a just a skerrick of information in half the time it takes to blink.

OK, got it? .... "Do you understand this? Do you understand this?" ......

So the statement

"trust your intuition"

probably should read

"take the time to explain to others in simple language that a 6th grader can understand why the fuck they are wrong and how could they be so stupid as to not listen to you in the first place"


But seriously. Especially in my work, I've sooooo often been persuaded by more senior (much much more senior) colleagues to take a course of action that was out of step with my intuition.

Case in point: After indicating to my friendly HR friends that no, I did not want to roll over the Enterprise Agreement covering my workforce for another 3 years because there was ambiguities in it that could cause problems down the line, I had the freaking Vice-President call me to insist upon it. Optionality zero. And then only a matter of weeks after it should have expired we were in the IRC arguing over the very ambiguity that I would have removed! Gah!

QED mutha!

What's next? 3: Eat vegetables every day

Well, this one's obvious. Thanks to lisa but for the reminder about what's important. I wont be attempting five colours however!

So since there's not much else to say, I thought I'd post about a quirky vegetable trait I have. What's the weirdest thing you can do with a carrot?




Give up?



No, it's not that!



I eat them while drinking beer. That's right, beer.
Not sure how it started, but often when I pull the top off a coldie, I get the urge also to crunch on a carrot too. Try it! You'll probably not like it very much. Maybe I'm pregnant....

What's next? 2: Get strong again

I'm not someone who has ever (ever) had a weight problem. One of the "lucky" ones eh.
I've been basically the same weight since I was 17. That's literally half a lifetime ago.

Many many years ago, I joined a gym. That's when I was living in the shire. The Sutherland rec centre became my favourite place in the world. At pretty much any time of the day or night, you could get a class, in whatever you wanted. I'd swim, I'd pump class, I'd free weight, I'd circuit. I loved the circuit classes. The more I did, the fitter I got and the more I loved it.

I recall driving home after one class. I'd picked up breakfast from the bakery on the way. (Yes breakfast. I'd done a 6am circuit on a Sunday morning). I got out of the car and I just felt great. I felt that my body was singing, I felt so alive. This was the fittest I'd been in my life and I felt 10 feet tall.

Unfortunately, I hurt my back doing some squats, gave it up for a while to rest. Then I moved away from the Shire. So sad....

Anyway, years later I joined another gym. It was hard to compare to Sutherland, but it was ok. I decided that this time, I wanted to get strong. I'd been fit before, but I guess I always considered myself as still a bit lean. So strength training was the plan this time. I got a training plan and worked out. It was hard! But I persisted. And persisted. An hour and a half to two hours a day, four to five days a week. "Leg day" was hell. For the first month or so, I hated it. But then once again, like in the circuits-of-Sutherland, I started to love it. I actually felt a bit lost if I missed a normal training day. I began to eat more, and eat more often. I was getting stronger, bigger, sharper.

This went on for about 18 months. In all that time, I'd almost doubled my bench strength, and similar amounts in arms, shoulders and back areas. Not so much improvement in legs, but hey, I could still do 300kg incline leg press. Must have been from all those years in high school playing basketball. But I digress.... When I started working out I was only able to do ten push-ups. By the end, I was doing a hundred.

But get this.... my weight was only 4-5kg more than when I'd started. And no, my body fat had not decreased, it was 12% when I'd started and it was still at 12%. All this extra strength meant a bit of extra size and not much extra weight. I felt like I was on a plateau. I did not want to go the extra mile and I eased off and eventually gave it away.

Since then, I've gone through phases and have even bought myself a home gym and all the bits that go along with it. I've run the city-to-surf and bought a bike. I've always thought that I'd be able to pick up from where I'd left off pretty quickly - if I wanted to. In the past year, I've lost weight without trying. About 3 kg. Without wanting to in fact. I'm now lighter than I was when I was 17. I don't like that too much, especially since I don't feel too fit. I mean, I can jump on my bike and ride 40km on a Sunday morning (like last weekend), but I just don't feel fit like I want to. And definitely I don't feel so strong anymore. And I miss feeling good about me in that way. So it's time.

The plan is this. Twice a week for the next month, so some really light weight sessions, to get the kinks out. Just 20-30 minutes a time. And ride once a week, just 10km or so. Then, the month after, ramp up the weights to full hour and about 80%. Then if everything is still moving freely, start a full weights and cardio program again - push myself for two months to get the groove back. I figure that by then, I'll be craving it again. And it will be good.

What's next? 1: Do something selfless every day

What is selfless anyway? And why do I want to do something selfless everyday?

First some background.

Definition : Altruistic, considering others before yourself.

Is being selfless actually possible? It depends who you ask actually.
Some say that everything we do is for ourselves. An egoist would say that the warm fuzzy feeling we get from doing something for someone else is the reason we do it.
Do I agree? I'm not sure. I understand this point of view. I accept that the human mind is so complex that this explanation may be plausible. And also that lack of evidence for something is not proof that it does not exist. It's about balance of probability.

I thought that the most constructive way to test the idea would be to consider an example of selflessness itself, and analyse the reasons and motivations behind it. So here goes...

Made up Scenario: Two brothers are walking down the street, each with $20 in their pocket. They are on their way to buy flowers for their respective girlfriends. Along the way, they are met by a man collecting money for a local charity. Both brothers feel empathetic to his cause and stop to talk to the man. Brother 1 decides that the charity is worth giving up his $20 and he hands over the cash. Brother 2 does not. He decides to hold onto his cash so he can buy the flowers for his girlfriend. He knows that his girlfriend will love the flowers and would like to do something nice for her.

Who is more selfless?

Brother 1 feels that giving money to charity is more important and his girlfriend will understand. There will be another $20 next week for flowers.

Brother 2 feels that the charity might get lots of others donating, but only he would buy flowers for his girlfriend.

I say neither is the more selfless! They each spend their money on what they think is the right thing. What they feel is the right thing is actually serving their own values and their own rationale. In other words, if you can choose between two selfless acts, then I agree that it is very possible that there can be no truly selfless acts. What distinguishes someone who is seen as being traditionally selfless, and one who is not seen as selfless, may simply be in the framework of their decision making process.


I choose to be altruistic it non-traditional ways. Like spending time with the kids. Or even more non-traditional than that : by purposely spending time alone to relax, recharge, and reflect in the hope that I might be a better father. You with me?

Perhaps I've just got bigger balls than most. I'm comfortable about my choice if I say no when the Red Cross come knocking (example only!)

Yet still, there is something still that makes me question if my strategy is effective.

Is it actually working for me?

So a hypothesis is ripe for the testing. Do something, everyday, that could be traditionally described as selfless. See how that works, to go out of my way. Bring on the warm fuzzies.

Excuse me. I'm off to hug a tree.

So, what's next?

It become a bit of a catch phrase for me.... "What's next?"

Tick one thing off the to-do list. What's next?
Learn a new skill. What's next?
Achieve a goal. What's next?
Complete a project. What's next?
Spend two years in a job. What's next?

I've heard one of my employees use the phrase now. What's next?

Now that's influence that's good. Action orientation. Look for improvement. Don't rest on your laurels. Keep moving forward. Stay ahead of the pack.

Be the best you can be.
Do now what you'll regret not doing later.

So that said.... what's next for M?

1. Do something selfless every day
2. Get strong again
3. Eat vegetables every day
4. Trust your intuition
5. Choose yes

I'll eloborate of each of these... in the next week. How's that? I've got a plan for my next 5 posts. I'm not usually that prepared.... Stay tuned dudes and dudettes.

........"Hey dude don't call me dude"

My blood in your eyes

It's not that I blame myself for how you are. I am not at fault. But there is a tacit explanation on offer. You are you because I am me. There really is a spectrum.

Your traits are watered down in me. I can see me in your eyes. I know where you are.

Can you see where I am? Will you come to visit me?
Please. do.
Come. and. stay.

Do you know what trust is? I think you do. Then hear this.
You can learn. You can adapt. You can change.
It's supposed to click.

Well freaking click already!

I lay with you on the hard floor.
We see the same things.
But can miss the obvious.
We know intuitively what others must deduce.
But have to read the rest thrice.
We recall detail where others don't even notice.
But we forget the rest.
(Any time of the day is a good time for pie)

I love the hustle and bustle of a busy city street. But I am a voyeur from my balcony. I am here but I am not engaged. Is this you too? Perhaps I am on the second floor and you are in the penthouse?

I know you like my hugs. I like yours.

My time

I like watches. I don't collect them, nor have I spent loads of money on one. My current watch was a gift to myself last year, $500 worth of Nixon. But I do covet many others.

In a previous post, I described a time in my teens about how I'd been disappointed with my Grandmother, for not buying me a watch for my 16th birthday. Obviously, though in hindsight after this post, my interest in watches probably comes from this event. For those not interested in going back to the other post, the story goes that when my sister was 16, my Grandmother bought her a watch. At the time, she said it was a tradition in her family to give a watch as a gift on the 16th birthday. I remembered this and was looking forward to this coming up to my birthday. It never came. My father, no doubt feeling that he had to make up for it, bought me a watch - thanks - but it was a bit lame.

So in a seemingly random coincidence, tonight I was thinking about memory, and how the workings of memory is more about reconstruction than recall. I think it's a great topic to blog about but that's for another time. Then I thought about; what are my worst memories (another post for another time), and one thing that came to mind was the time I was told about my Grandfathers passing. One thing I distinctly recall (or reconstruct!) about this time was that I had bought my girlfriend (K, now my wife) a watch for her birthday and I had to pick it up from the jeweller. Since I had to run off to see my family then I'd miss her birthday and wouldn't be fair on her. So I dropped what I was doing, left work, went straight to the jeweller to get the watch, and went to see K to give her the watch for her birthday. And then I burst into tears.

So isn't that some weird shit?

By the way, it's K's birthday today. Maybe it's not a coincidence that I was thinking about memory after all. Happy Birthday my sweet.

Shanks!

Here's the best ad since Sam Kekovich.
Laugh? Out loud!

Mesmerised

It's not often that I find myself saying that I was mesmerised. But isn't it great when it happens? That's exactly what happened to me when I saw The Audreys on the ABC last Monday night (The Audreys - Live At The Gov). And even greater, they're showing it again on ABC2 on Sunday, 11am. Consider this a Molly post - do yourself a favour.

Now I'm not into country, folk, pop, roots, or anything like what The Audreys may be classified as. They say that their music is eclectic. Others say it's a mix of pop, country and folk. I think it's simply unique.

Some might describe the pace of their music as slow. I'd say it's languid, smooth, satisfying. Like a double shot of Drambuie on lots of crushed ice. Meant to be savoured.

But to be honest, it wasn't the music that drew me in.

It wasn't the lyrics, and it wasn't the atmosphere at the venue.

It was the voice. Taasha Coates.

She sways, she smiles, she sings like an angel. Mesmerising. Captivating. Magic.

There are no maps to the place I'm going

I choose me.
What is more selfish? Denial in order to pacify, or denial of the truth?
And who do you deny, really? Forget rhetoric.
Tension lies, belies, inside, it cries out.
It's torture.

I want to go where the winds calls my name.
Home, a place I've never been.
It's taunts are seldom heard beyond my walls.
My shepherd protects me and my fall.
Though I shall not know the wolf by name.

I believe but I do not trust.
I desire but I do not make plans.
I am brave but I do not tread.
I am strong but I have no heart.
I am but I am not.

I really am sick of these comfortable stinky boots.
The soles are strong, yet my toes have pushed through.
Left
Left
Left Right
Left
About face!
As you were.....

Todays News

So, what's made news this week, and what do I think......

Equine Influenza
I couldn't give a rats about horse racing. It's a blight on our society. It's dull and pointless. Australia's 5th largest industry is one that exists because people gamble over how fast a horse can run. Get a life people.

Hewitt crashes out of US Open
So what's new. He's a hack and should retire.

Joey Johns took drugs
Um... yeah. Hands up who didn't know? Hands up who really cares?

David Koch named father of the year
Are you fucking kidding me? That dickhead? Gimme a break!

Wall st rallies on comments from Bush and Bernanke
Bernanke I can believe. Bush, yeah right. Are you meaning to tell me that after all the shit that this man has done and lied about, that the market are going to react to his reassurances about the economy? Laugh? I almost did!

Bush renews support for Howard
I'm again less likely to vote Liberal. Don't push me 'cause I'm close to the edge! I'm tryin' not to lose my head!

Nathan Deakes wins gold in 50km walk
Great. That's two now. I think all we had to do in these championships was to stop falling over. Didn't it seem that way at the start of the week? Or in case of the walk, all you have to do is not run and get DQ. Not up there with horse racing, but nearly as pointless.

Tigers still in with a finals chance
..... if the Broncos lose by 102 points

Anniversaries
Ten years since Diana and one year since Steve Irwin and Brocky.
:-(

Baggy pants
Atlanta are considering introducing a ban on clothes that exposes underwear in public. I don't know what to say really. Bizarre.

Random things about me

I don't think it would be a good idea for me to broadcast who I am - and I've generally kept many things about who I am off this blog, in case someone who knows me stumbles (or Googles) across this site.

But I want to share some things about me, so that people who are interested, can get to know me a little better. So, what if I can share some things that most (or nearly all) people who know me actually don't know. Sounds like an interesting post? Here goes......

• I've never stolen anything from a store.
• I was a Tigers supporter before the '88 and '89 grand finals.
• I used to smoke a lot of weed. I owned a bong with interchangeable parts. It was red and made of steel.
• I missed a question worth 15% in my 4U Math trial HSC exam by mistake. My Maths teacher nicknamed me "Coroneos" because I always did things the hard way.
• When I was a young boy, my Grandmother gave me the exact same toy jeep two years in a row. She gave my sister a watch for her sixteenth birthday and told her it was tradition to to this. I never got one. My father game me one to make up for it. I never really forgave her for that.
• When I was 17, I used to go out with all my 18 year old friends. I was always the only one not to get asked for ID.
• A friend of mine died of a heart attack when he was only 30.
• I once cried when my car broke down.
• I've never been caught speeding.
• I once "invented" a drink called The B&B. It was equal parts Baileys and Banana Liqueur.
• I credit a lot of the mark for my honours thesis to a lecturer who taught me about passive sentences.
• I often don't finish what I sta

Flattery might get you everywhere

I set my yearly job goals with my boss today. It was pretty low key, and all high level stuff. None of the "deliver x by y with z" or "raise a by b% in c months". It was more like "achieve the business plan". Very tidy and neat. No bs. And then we discussed the year so far, how things were going in the new job. I let him know that I had decided in this job that I would try managing "his way" to see if his style worked for me, and that so far, it's going fine. He let slip a very small "chuffed" smile and went on his way.

Am I a suck or what?!

Anyhow, back to watch the athletics..... Loving watching the uber-fit euro babes! Only speak Ukranian? No problem! я тебе кохаю!

Desire

Where I work, there is a very active and structured career development process in place. That is at least, for people who do what I do. Without giving too much away, I am an operations manager in a top-50 ASX company. We have the "normal" yearly performance review, and the "typical" incentive scheme. We also partake in a yearly development discussion with our boss's boss. Now this is a pretty interesting thing. In many ways. Firstly, it happens before the performance review. Well before in fact, like 6 months before. I guess you could say it could be 6 months after. Anyhow, these "chats" are very useful. At least I think so. I can honestly say that this process has resulted in changes to my career path. The last one I had was literally 6 months ago, so why bother with the post now?

I got thinking about it because of the changes in my work in the past few months. It's been going pretty well. I've enjoyed the challenges that have come my way and I certainly have changed the way I approach some things.

The way the "chat" works is that you fill out a form where you can say what types of things you'd like to be working on, where you see your career heading, what help you might need, etc. All good. Now that I reflect on the last "chat", there's something that sticks with me more than anything else. On the form last time, I wrote, "I have a desire to..... (insert ambitiousness diatribe here) ....". On reading this and then beginning our discussion, my boss's boss said "I never hear people in Australia talk about desire. It's refreshing to hear".

Really?

Now I chose this word pretty carefully. I wanted to ensure I projected ambition without pretension. I wanted to show that I was capable yet willing to learn. Does anyone else find this strange?

Now that was only a career based desire. I guess it's a pretty strong word. What else do I desire?

What do you desire?

Three

It took a while, but I finally tweaked the HTML to get the layout into 3 columns. I kept making mistakes with bloody syntax and didn't put the div's in the right order. But now it works :-)

Good pizza tonight. Mmmmmm.

What's really going on?

I read a lot of blogs. Well, a few. Those that seem to hold my interest and I participate in are those written by people who appear to be in a similar life stage to myself. Not in terms of their projected, apparent, tangible life stage. Rather the internal, real, felt life stage. And that is one of transition. I flit around the issue. I comment on those that others share with us. It's real and it's happening, but is the answer out there?

There's a tension somewhere.

It's kind of been happening for a while. I feel myself changing. On the inside.
I feel more. I care more. I accept more.

And yet I am possibly more dissatisfied with some things, while being very satisfied with where I am. Isn't this the hallmark of transition? When there is satisfaction with where you are, the need for more begins? I get the sense that it's bigger than that, less simple.

I'm sure I'm not going to be able to put my finger on it by rambling my thoughts across the page like this. And even reading more, reflecting more, thinking more, talking more; won't do it justice either. But the place to start is simply to start, and start at the beginning. But I'm not at the beginning, and here's how I know why. I just read this. This is exactly me right now.

Individuation is a process that leads to a more mature, balanced, 'rounded' person. In Myers Briggs terms, this may mean developing the aspects of personality that are opposite to one's preferences. For example, an INTJ, who has pursued an interest in a scientific career, may start to develop interest in ESFP-type activities. This might involve:

• enjoying relationships for their own sake, rather than in joint pursuit of some scientific objective
• taking up sporting pursuits simply to enjoy them, without feeling the need to develop ever greater skill and competence
• spending more time with the family and enjoying life with the children or grandchildren.
• developing a much greater appreciation for people, despite their lack of competence or intellectual ability.

And I mean this is exactly exactly me. I'm characteristically INTJ. I am enjoying relationships more for their own sake (like family, colleagues, even all of you readers!), taking up sporting pursuits simply to enjoy them (cycling), spending more time with family, and developing an appreciation for people despite their lack of intellectual ability. (That last one particularly!)

Where will it end? What does it mean for my career? Who knows. Does it matter though?

For now, I think I'll just run with it. Go with the flow. See where it takes me. Let go and enjoy the ride. I'll ride the rapids but keep my hand on the rudder.

Blankety Blank

Here's what I'm thinking.






















That's it. Nothing. I'm empty. No full brain today. Brain is drained.
Goodnight.

Letter to self (or would you care to dance Grandmother?)

M, how's things?

So, have you worked it out yet. Me neither. What will it take? I wonder. If it ever will. You've known of it's existence for some time. The view is cloudy. The sound muffled. Numb fingers, to touch it. Retreat is the normal option, I understand. And it's OK. We all pleasure in being victims to it's taunts. Not many have the courage. Plenty to lose and risk even in the gain, sour rye grasses. Press the shiny red button Ren!

I know what you're thinking. Can't I have my cake and eat it too? You know the answer to that question already, and it's not yes or no. It's a description of grey. Design your reality, live as though it exists now. Start with one disappointment at a time. But don't be too hard on yourself.

Discard all that is artificial. Embrace quality. Welcome life's varied textures. Persue past positives. Seek the truth, ne'er stop. Reject falsehoods. Trust your instincts, always. Live it, love it, laugh with it. Be it. And don't feel that you have to explain who you are, especially to yourself.

Welcome to my world tonight

Sittin' back. Hmmm. Plug these babies into the Zen and pull me up sumthin' Arie.... I’m having a private party. Ain’t no body here but me, my angels, and my guitar..... There's hope. It doesn't cost a thing to smile, you don't have to pay to laugh, you better thank God for that......

It's all good. This is my world, tonight. You're very welcome to join me. Pull up a cushion, cozy.

p.s. I am not my hair.

Shark Park

I took my daughter to her first game of football last night. Sharks v Tigers at Shark Park.
She was very excited. We arrived just before half-time of the premier league game.

When does the real game start Dad?
5:30.
What time is it now Dad?
4:30.
That means we have to wait for one hour!
Yes.
Can I have some jelly-beans Dad?
Sure.

5 minutes later....

What time is it now Dad?
4:35.
I'm getting very sick of waiting!
Yes. Just watch the football dear.

Finally the game ends.

Is it about to start Dad?
Yes, in about 15 minutes.
Will they put up pictures of all the players like on tv?
Maybe. Look, there are some little kids coming out to play first.
Where are the Sharks Dad?
Still inside getting ready. Do you want some more jelly-beans?

A bit later...

Look K, there are the cheerleaders. They're called the mermaids.
Yes, I KNOOW Dad! I'm still waiting Dad, when are they going to start?
Not soon enough dear.

Hooray! Kick off!

Sharks try... :-( K is cheering.
Dad. The sharks are winning and your team is not! We have 6 points and you have no points! (Insert a little in-the-seat dance here, and a big grin)
Yes dear. It's early yet.

A bit later...

Dad. My team is 18 and your team is 4. That's 14 points Dad. Your team needs 14 more points Dad. Maybe they need to do some more exercise Dad.
Yes dear.

Second half.

Tigers try.
K's smile is a little flatter
Tigers try.
K's smile is gone. She is worried. Panicing almost.
Tigers try.
Uh-oh. Almost tears here.
Tigers try.
I was just kidding Dad. I was ACTUALLY going for the tigers! And I was just kidding when I said to Mum that I was going for the sharks. Big grin.
Sharks try.
Uh-oh. Grin flatter again.
Sharks try.
Uh-oh. Scores are level.
Don't worry K. The scores are the same. We both have 28.
YOU BLOODY BEAUTY ROBBIE FARAH! 29-28.
(Insert image of M standing, punching the air, yelling at top of lungs, Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh! while all around are seated, quiet as little little tiny mice, thinking sit down you bloody bloody bloody tigers fan)

Great night.

Did you have fun tonight at the football K?
Yep!

Go with the flow baby

Following on from my previous two posts, I had a great conversation with a colleague today about happiness and flow experience. This colleague has recently graduated from university with a psychology degree, so it was refreshing to discuss matters like this with someone who actually knows and understands what I'm talking about. It was also refreshing to realise that I wasn't talking bullshit, and we could properly converse in the topics which are of interest to me. Despite acknowledging that I'm untrained in the field, I still like to be able to think that I can pick up on concepts quickly.

Anyhow, when we were discussing flow experience, I got to thinking about how this applies to me and wanted to examine this in more detail. As is usually the case, I refer to wikipedia as a first step. Here, flow is described as a mental state of operation where the person is fully engaged in what they are doing. The components of flow are as follows;

1. Clear goals (expectations and rules are discernible and goals are attainable and align appropriately with one's skill set and abilities).
2. Concentrating and focusing, a high degree of concentration on a limited field of attention (a person engaged in the activity will have the opportunity to focus and to delve deeply into it).
3. A loss of the feeling of self-consciousness, the merging of action and awareness.
4. Distorted sense of time - one's subjective experience of time is altered.
5. Direct and immediate feedback (successes and failures in the course of the activity are apparent, so that behavior can be adjusted as needed).
6. Balance between ability level and challenge (the activity is neither too easy nor too difficult).
7. A sense of personal control over the situation or activity.
8. The activity is intrinsically rewarding, so there is an effortlessness of action.
9. When in the flow state, people become absorbed in their activity, and focus of awareness is narrowed down to the activity itself, action awareness merging (Csikszentmihalyi, 1975. p.72).

Reading through the list, I am reminded how often when I'm having a busy work day - time absolutely flies. Not tooooo often, but certainly one really strong occurrence every fortnight or so. So is this when I'm happiest? Yes!

So does this mean, for the purposes of application, if I were to design work systems for my teams should I be aiming to enable employees to experience flow? How might I do that exactly. I am in the process of re-organising the nature of work in my teams right now. Perhaps I should take these flow components into account when considering people for specific roles. To do that however I would need to know what every one's signature strengths are. The nature of my workplace dictates that I cannot simply get everyone to take the test. Perhaps some, but not many. I'll have to take a punt and guess the rest.

What do you think? Any flow-meisters out there care to comment?

I think I'd better do some more reading. Time is of the essence. Csikszentmihalyi - Bring it!

The questionnaire

On my last post.... find the questionnaire here

In fact, there are heaps of questionnaires, the one I got that question from was from VIA signature strengths.

I found this site after reading an article in Saturday's Sydney Morning Herald - Good Weekend section. An article in there called Happiness 101. It's about positive psychology.

Anyway, apparently there are 24 measureable character strengths and the VIA signature strength inventory tells you what your top five are. So mine are....

1. Creativity, ingenuity, and originality
2. Hope, optimism, and future-mindedness
3. Perspective (wisdom)
4. Judgment, critical thinking, and open-mindedness
5. Forgiveness and mercy

Sounds about right. But so what? They say that we should be actively working or playing in new areas that draw on our signature strengths, to create a sense of wellbeing. This will play a role in building confidence and thus bring happiness.

There were other bits in the article too. I was pleased to read about it actually, since I posted happiness hypothesis a little while ago and referred to Seligman (and Maslow) and how their theories I thought related to happiness. I felt somewhat that this article supported my views about what makes us happy - and the fact I had not heard specifically about positive psychology before gives me some sense of satisfaction.

Anyway, if you're interested, it's free to register and do the tests.

Later.

How do you answer this?

I read this in an on-line questionnaire.

"I am proud that I am an ordinary person"

- Very Much Like Me
- Like Me
- Neutral
- Unlike Me
- Very Much Unlike Me

I didn't know how to answer.....
How would you?

It presupposes that you think that you are an ordinary person. Perhaps that means that I think that this is "Very Much Unlike Me". Now I think that makes me a snob.

Creative Zen Vision:M 30GB

A new toy.... For some reason, it was $90 less than the black one. Only $291. I wanted white anyhow. I'll need to get some decent headphones next week. Any suggestions???

I'm listening to Smashing Pumpkins as I type this. It's growing on me. Not as good as Adore, but pretty good still. Some songs (like Bring The Light) just don't seem to go anywhere. But many others are more like what I'd expect from them. I'm liking Doomsday Clock, Tarantula and United States (almost 10 minutes long but!). But Neverlost is the best track - it sounds very Adore-like.

Rollercoaster baby!

You know how people describe their moods or their life in general as going along, up and down like a roller coaster? Well, the thing is that when you're on a roller coaster, you KNOW that you're going to go up and down. You look ahead, see the drop and then you drop. You see the twist and then you twist. You see the loop and then you do the fucking loop. Life ain't like that people! You often don't see it coming!

What the! Where did that come from?!

The next time I ride an actual roller coaster, I'm soooo going to close my eyes. See if it's any better if you don't know what's coming.

Speaking of rollercoasters, I loved this one at Cedar Point.....

I was there in 2005. Two hours in the line for one ride. And yes, then another three hours in the line again to get a ride in the front seat. Nothing quiiite like this in Australia. I bought a coffee mug as a momento.

$$$$$

money money money money money money money money money money
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money money money money money money money money money money
money money money money money money money money money money
money money money money money money money money money money
money money money money money money money money money money

I love tax time

What's your flava?

I've posted before (on my old blog) about my favourite things. This is not one of those posts again. But while chomping down on a couple of steaks tonight, thinking about how I love steak, I also was thinking about what a good day I've had. Just work stuff, got some good feedback from the boss's boss. And then I got to thinking that all the kids were well behaved and that's good. And Mrs M and I are getting along great at the moment. So, what to post about? You've heard all this diatribe before. But have you answered this question before....

What's your favourite?

"My favourite what?"

That's just it. What's your favourite anything!?
I mean is it chocolate icecream, or the number 9, or blue, or winter mornings, or roses, or being surprised, or knock-knock-who's-there, or finishing your last exam, or winning a race, or your first kiss, or surfing, or Harry-Potter, or George Gregan's tackle on Jeff Wilson, or the winner-is-Sydney, or long Sunday drives, or Gone with the Wind, or your Mum, or what?

I don't even know myself, but I'll have a think about it and let you know.

I'd love to know what your favourite is. Please tell! Pleeeease!

The sometimes jungle

It's lonely at the top
they stare like smug children
gangs of thugs, banded
the wet paper mafia

I can't explain
if you can't understand
idiot, beat me down?
we all, all laugh behind your back

Degrees of insincerity
empathy feigned, believed
even. Trust is fickle
take what you can get

We want the same thing
just don't grand-master me
I'll chunk it up higher, winner!
It's lonely at the top

My spirit got lost

My spirit got lost now something is missing
All the people round here are too bony for kissing

I'm sick of dour faces
Staring at me from the TV
Tower, I want roses in my
garden bower; dig?

I hear her voice
In the mornin hour she calls me
The radio reminds me of my home far away
And drivin down the road I get a feelin
That I should have been home yesterday, yesterday

Birth, School, Work, Death
Birth, School, Work, Death

I've got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm half way out the door

My spirit got lost now something is missing
All the people round here are too bony for kissing

General chit chat

No particular topic for today. Just some general chit chat. I've been away for a few days, thus the lack of posts. A few days away for work, plus some time visiting family as well. My brother and I went out for a night on the tins. I haven't had so much to drink in one night for about ten years! But when Stella Artois in on tap for $3.50 a schooner, how can you resist? Plus spending eight hours in the pub, watching the footy and listening to the DJ playing gems like 500 miles and Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, you've kinda got to expect there'll be a few too many go down. But I feel pretty good today, no hangover, just a little tired.

It's good to get away for a few days. But I missed pizza night with the kids and "daddy didn't come home last night". But I'll get some good hugs when I get home tomorrow. Apparently, my 3 year old is expecting me to bring home some batterys for her torch - since they are flat. "Daddy will bring some from the aeroport. I want to go to the aeroport". I'm not sure where she gets these ideas.

I don't mind travelling for work. I certainly don't seek it out, I just do it when I have to. Fortunately this time it's in Brisbane where some friends and family are. I certainly like coming home again. You might be surprised but I expect that the kids will all look a little different, and will be saying and doing things all a little different. It will only be 4 days, but there will be subtle changes. Last time I was away from the kids for a week, my eldest son looked about 6 months older. It was weird.

The funniest thing happened in the pub last night. Wanting a "break" from the Stella, I thought I'd have a lemon squash to cleanse the thirst. So I go to the bar.
Me: One schooner of Stella and a lemon squash thanks
Barman: A what?
Me: Lemon squash
Barman goes to pour the beer. Comes back.
Barman: What was the second thing?
Me: A lemon squash
Barman: What's a lemon squash?
Me: (Thinking) What the fuck is a lemon squash?!
Barman: It is water with lemon juice?
Me: No. No. It's.... lemon squash! Lemon squash. Lift? Aaagh fuck, just gimme a Sprite!