May.I.be.excused.please,my.brain.is.full

Witness Protection

2008-01-30T23:01:00.000+11:00

I have not been compromised.

I read about people regretting not keeping their anonymity. I want to preserve mine. I want to post more grit and less fluff. Being more anonymous allows that.

This blog is not being killed, just retired. Put out to pasture.

mbrain is being reincarnated. But I'd still like those I trust to come and visit. To find out where (and who) he is now, email me and chances are I'll send you directions to my new joint.

Ciou peeps!

Feelin' Groovy

2008-01-29T19:20:00.000+11:00

Holiday : "Leisure time away from work devoted to rest or pleasure"

Leisure time ? Yes!
Away from work ? Yes!
Rest or pleasure ? Yes and yes!

I guess I had a holiday! Away from work, like about a thousand kilometres! Leisure time was like lazing about the pool, or taking a ride on an attraction that "may result in unanticipated thrills" and have "unexpected movements". Rest would be like spending a day doing NOTHING or watching the cricket with my brother. Or doing a jigsaw puzzle. And as for pleasure... well, it was our wedding anniversary while we were away. :-P

And the two-ish weeks on holidays felt like longer than two-ish weeks at work. A good time was had by all. The weather held up (and no-one got sunburnt) and I spent less money than I thought I would. It's all good. Dreamworld is the same as it was two years ago, except for the new Mick Doohan ride. That wasn't too bad - and the older kids could ride too so we did that quite a bit. We even got up to the Sunshine Coast a couple of times. If you find yourself at Eumundi markets, I can highly recommend the German sausage with sauerkraut for lunch.

The worst thing about the holiday? I lost the golf tee off my thong! (see last post) Bah!

All in all, I'm feelin' groovy......

Better than Fonzie

2008-01-12T21:32:00.001+11:00

This will be my last post for a few weeks. Regular readers will realise that I'm choofing off on holidays, and I'm soooo looking forward to it. And to put you all in the holiday mood like me, here's a picture of my groovy new thongs I got today. Screw your Havianas! These are a billion times cooler. Like Fonzie cool. Perhaps even cooler! I reckon they're way freakin' awesome! So if you're on the Gold Coast in the next two weeks and you see a dude strollin' around in a pair of these babies lookin' mighty relaxed - it's probably me! Ciou peeps!

My mugs

2008-01-09T23:30:00.000+11:00

Souveniers are the nicknacks that we pick up on holidays to remind us of how much of a great time we had.

The best souvenier I have is a coffee mug I use at work. I picked it up at Dreamworld a couple of years ago. Reminds me of the great family holiday we had. What sticks in my mind is how relaxed I was, how it was just a time where we all just enjoyed being together, doing things or doing nothing. The kids watching Spongebob or me and Mrs watching American Chopper on pay TV. Going to the pool late at night in the rain. BBQ's every second day. My coffee mug reminds me of this almost daily. This is why I go to work and this is what I have to look forward to when I get home from work each day. Even if just a little bit.

Do you have any souveniers like this?

I'm planning to get a brand new mug next week. Maybe Australia Zoo will have one that takes my fancy. Does anyone know if there's a Ren and Stimpy marathon on Nickelodeon next week? Fingers crossed.

Internet poll

2008-01-08T20:08:00.000+11:00

Here's a poll for all readers. Regular, non-regular or one-timers alike.......

Am I, mbrain, a "fucking spineless prick?"

Vote now!

Smile

2008-01-07T18:48:00.000+11:00

I'm happy.
My car broke down, I have heaps of bills to pay and I can't get the right part for my espresso machine.
But I'm still happy. That's because next week I'm on holidays!

Queensland! Beaches, Fun Parks, Family, BBQ's, lazy every-days, Australia Day party

Woooot! 6 more sleeps!

2008-01-03T22:50:00.001+11:00

I worry about things that I don't even realise. Right now, I think I'm worried about something, but I don't know what it is. Freak me! I just spent the Christmas week having a great time, feeling great, feeling calm and relaxed. Two days back at work and I can feel something building up again. My boss is on holidays, half my team are as well and nothing is going wrong. So why do I feel like shit? Is it all in anticipation? Freak freak fre-ak!

You know, I started this blog as an experiment. Could I find an "outlet" to vent, speak my mind(s) and otherwise diffuse anxiety? There is evidence that would indicate that it works. Whenever I'm feeling good, I don't have much to say. Or at least, I don't feel compelled to come and write something. No matter how meaningless the dribble is. The times that I'm feeling good are generally when I don't post as much. I think. I don't know if it's as effective as it could be however. I don't feel that it's as private as I once felt it was. Not that anyone I know reads it. My friend Sitemaster tells me so. I dunno, it's just what it feels like. Maybe I have even more to say now, like I've gone through a certain level in what I feel safe saying and now that I want to say even more, the risks are higher. And despite all that, keeping a 100% private journal will not work for me. In the past, I've done this and on reading it back it doesn't even make sense to me. So I know that keeping my blog public forces me to construct my words in a somewhat grounded way. Not that I can claim to think that everyone (aka anyone) can understand everything that I write (far from it in fact!) however there are semblances of normalcy that would not exist if I wrote just to and for myself. So to all the anonymous readers out there, thank you for unknowingly keeping my words meaningful.

So to wrap up, there is no wrap up. This blog journey of mine continues, and this post is poorly constructed. There is no beginning, middle and end. There is no purpose, no sub-plot, no twist. It is what it is and it is not what it is not. As so many before me have done the same - I will not read this post over before I hit "publish post". Except I will do the spellczech. ;-) Who knew that fre-ak isn't a word?

One man's blank is another man's blunk

2008-01-02T22:58:00.000+11:00

I sometimes wonder if I see
feel
smell
hear
taste
everything the same as everyone else. Is every experience unique to me? Do we all experience everything different or exactly the same. Our frame of reference is always the same, limited to that of our own - so how can we ever know? Like the old adage, if a tree falls in the woods and no-one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? If we were all there to hear it, would we hear the same sound? If I could "plug in" to your brain for a moment, would I see a red sky or would black be white? Would every song be an octave higher? Would water taste like wine?

Everything is relative, there are no absolutes.
There are no certainties, only probabilities.
Truths are fictions that serve the purpose of common beliefs.
There is no true free will, there are invisible boundaries (aka attractors).

It's a distortion. Henry, Look at me! Look! You can't see me or anyone as they are! I wanted Dostoyevsky!

Would people watch The MBrain Show?

2008-01-01T22:25:00.000+11:00

I wonder if my life is as boring from the outside as it is from the inside. My day.....

"Sleep in" until almost 9:00. Breakfast is Cornflakes and coffee. I attempt to make a good micro froth and get some better results. I get a better swirl than normal and am somewhat impressed. I'll still be searching for a different wand/tip to get the speed up. Mrs has already made coffee but had a problem with her milk, so I make her another. It is of course, better.

All the kids are awake and have already eaten breakfast. Two of the kids in fact have already eaten two breakfasts each. Must have worked up an appetite the night before - they were all up until 9:30 after all.

Sit and chat with Mrs about what is planned for the day. We decide not to go to Homebush to the aquatic centre until the weekend, so instead Mrs plans a day at the movies with the girls and their cousins. This won't be until 2:30. Mrs asks if I plan on a bike ride (I went for a quick ride yesterday for 40 mins). I thought I would, but a longer one. After all, I need to get 4hrs exercise per week to pass my January resolution, so a long ride will help.

So, I strap on my Zen, my backpack with water reservoir, and leave at about 10:30. I plan to ride around the lake, about 45-50km. I set off and the wind is a little gusty. I figure I'll be into the teeth of it at the start and the end of the ride, but the middle section will be good.

As I'm riding, I'm just thinking about other stuff. Random stuff. Keep drinking, you don't want to get dehydrated. Good thing you put on sunscreen, the sun is strong. I mentally break up the ride into four sections. Home to Warrawong, Warrawong to Kembla Grange, Kembla Grange to Albion Park Rail, Albion Park Rail to home.

One hour fifty minutes later, I'm home. First time I've done this ride without a break. Not bad on a mountain bike for an amateur 34yr old. Well, I think so.

Have lunch (sandwiches and fruit) and read a few blogs. Mrs takes girls to the movies and I bum out in front of the TV. Remember that I need to pay the remainder for our holiday (only two weeks to go) so I call up the resort with Visa in hand. Done.

Mrs gets home and we all head out for dinner with the in laws. Eat out on their deck while kids watch Flushed Away inside.

Home again by 7:30, kids in bed (despite protests from #3, surprise surprise) and bum out in front of TV again. Mrs in bed by 9:00. I watch downloaded episode of October Road. It's not great, I might watch some more. Decide to go and check blogs. Not much happening out there. I guess everyone has more interesting things to do than I do. It's 10:50pm now. Back to work tomorrow, time for bed.

G'night peeps.

P.S. my knee is sore from the ride. Poor me.

Year New Happy

2008-01-01T00:01:00.000+11:00

HurraH! HurraH! HurraH!

You mean that's it?

NYE 2007 Party

2007-12-31T23:59:00.000+11:00

So tonight I'm gonna parrrrty like it's

Two

Thousaaand

and Seven

New Year, Old Year, What Year

2007-12-30T23:08:00.000+11:00

Join me.
Don't set a New Year's resolution in 2008.
Set twelve new month resolutions instead.
Make them each something to start doing rather than something to stop doing.
Don't decide them all now. Just decide January now. Decide February in a months time.
I think it will be better this way. For all of us.

You know you'll fail otherwise. Hardly anyone actually achieves their New Years resolutions do they? What's so special about the "New Year" anyhow? It's really just a number. And an arbitrary and relative one at that.

Maybe not make a resolution at all - at least not based on a date. I did that back in September. Remember this post I made? I'll update you......

Do something selfless every day. Well, this got off to a great start. Even today, I often find myself doing something that I wouldn't otherwise - for someone else. But here's the thing. It's usually for my wife or kids, and it always ends up in me feeling better. So is it selfless? Who cares! On a scale of 1-10, I'll rank myself an even 5. Not a bad start, but some room for improvement. More on the every day bit.
Get strong again. Again, a good start. New program, got going for a few weeks. Then stopped. Why? I don't know. I have to reassess. 1 out of 10.
Eat vegetables every day. Not every day, and not much variety. I am thinking a lot more like "I'll add some veges to that" but certainly not every meal. 3 out of 10.
Trust your intuition. This is going a little bit better. Making decisions that go against the flow, but safely. No hitting of rocks beneath the surface yet. 6 out of 10.
Choose yes. Aaaahhh yes. This is a good one. I've definitely been saying yes more often. But you know what? I've also been saying no a lot more too. The driving force for saying yes more often is knowing when to say it, therefore when you know you shouldn't the answer is no. Keep on keeping on. Just do it. 7 out of 10.

So overall, I score myself 22 out of 50. Bah! Only 44% Not even a pass conceded!

I'd better work on the workouts and veges a bit more. Choose yes Mbrain, choose yes!

OK, so my New-Month resolution for January is (drum roll ........... )

Exercise for four hours every week for the next 5 weeks. Cycle, resistance, run, whatever. And since tomorrow is Monday, I'll start a day early!

It was the best of days, it was the worst of days

2007-12-29T09:46:00.000+11:00

So here's my coffee day. Turns out that due to lack of numbers, the day was switched to Friday.

I decided to catch the train into the city. Now I never catch the train - not since I was a poor student but I wanted to avoid the hassle of parking in the CBD so I drove to Sutherland and got an all stations to Town Hall. Commuter trains are very depressing. Everyone is sad. No-one is smiling. You smile at someone as they walk past to find a seat and they look at you like you're a freak. Everyone buries their head in a book, or stares blankly out the window. Everywhere but at the people around them. Except for some Argentinian tourists. They seemed like ordinary people. Turns out, they got on the right line but were going in the wrong direction. And they didn't care, they were just laughing and got off at the next stop to catch the other train back.

The barista class was in the Dymocks building, so this was easy to find too. I walked in and the first thing the instructor did was offer me a coffee. Sure. And it was awesome. Great I think, I'm going to be able to make coffee like this!

There was only 3 in the class - but that's good. More attention, less waiting. One was another guy who was also given the class as a gift. The other was a young girl who'd just finished her HSC and was going to live in the UK, and was after some skills to find work. Pretty good idea.

We were introduced to the history of coffee, how (and when, by who and where) it is grown, picked, washed, dried, sorted, roasted, ground, etc, etc, etc. Then, it was on to the frothing. This is the bit that I was looking forward to the most. If I could make perfect milk froth at home, then I would be a coffee legend and all those who come before me would kneel and thank their maker that they could be so blessed as to be in my presence. Um... er.... perhaps they'd just say "Hey, great coffee Mbrain!" That'd do fine.

So it turns out that I'm f*&#ing great at frothing milk. After just a few attempts, I had perfect (yes perfect) micro froth. I think the phrase used by the instructor was "Excellent milk Mbrain!" It's all about the swirl you see. Get the swirl going, introduce a little bit of air, move to the centre to create a vortex, then out again to keep it going to reach 60 degrees. That's it. Sounds simple, and I was a natural.

I'm the man.

Next, the espresso. Now, my home machine is super-auto, so all this was only partially relevant to my situation, however I could apply some of the concepts to adjust my machine to make the best coffee possible. Apparently Jura don't make the grind fine enough and therefore the pour is too quick. Apparently 25 seconds for a 30mL espresso is the "ideal". More on that later. The machines in the course are San Marino 2 group espresso machines, just like this 3 group one I saw on ebay last night.

So then we went through all the coffee styles. Espresso, cappuccino, caffe latte, macchiato, ristretto, long black, long white, doppio, caffe mocha, etc, etc. And made them all. Again, I was freaking awesome at it.

Wrapping things up, we learned about cleaning the machine and that was the day. Awesome. I learned some great skills, had a fun day and could now go home and make brilliant coffee at home. Wooot!

I'll spare you details of the train ride home. More of the same boring people doing nothing except stare at their shoes or pretend they're on the set of The Return of the Living Dead.

I get home. Fire up the machine. Ok, adjust grind, adjust water volume, yes, that looks about right. OK, milk into jug, setup milk thermometer. Right, go!

No swirl.

Shit.

What the fuck. Try again, different angle. Go.

No swirl.

Mother.

I wanted to smash things. The perfect day turns to shit. Well, that's a bit over the top. It was very very frustrating. To know that you can do this, and to get home and it not work was infuriating. And why was it not working? The steam wand on my machine is designed exclusively for coffee novices who can't be bothered to learn how to froth milk properly. There is no "normal" nozzle to do it properly. You see, the nozzle has a HUGE hole so the velocity of the steam is quite low - meaning no spin. No spin means no micro foam. So it's either warm non frothed milk, or a bubbly mess.

I found this after frantic googling last night. Someone with the same problem who solved it by fitting a different tip, from a different machine. Smaller holes, higher speed, better swirl. Now all I have to do is do the same thing. So that's my mission. Find a tip that will fit my steam wand that doesn't have holes the size of the grand canyon.

So all in all, a great day. Accentuated by frustration, tempered by a mission. Coffee magic on hold, but only temporarily. Watch this space peeps.

Barista

2007-12-25T10:26:00.001+11:00

My wife booked me into a barista course for Christmas. It's this Thursday. What else can I say but .......

I'm very impressed. :-) The more I think about it, the more I'm looking forward to it. I think I'm going to be making a lot more coffee in the next few months. Likewise, I don't think I'm going to get any sleep in the next few months either. hehehe.

hehehe!

Sorry kids

2007-12-24T23:44:00.000+11:00

Sorry kids. Santa just left my place and he's not in great shape. He might finish his work down under, but I doubt he'll go the distance. Too many Aussie Dads left beer out for him tonight. I gave him some Berocca, strapped him into his sleigh and slapped Rudolph on the arse to send him on his way.

Lists

2007-12-23T08:32:00.000+11:00

It's the time of year for lists.

Finish gift shopping - tick
Finish grocery shopping - tick
Mow lawns - tick
Take garbage to the tip - tick
Assemble bike - tick
Weed garden
Sweep deck
Gerni paths
Buy veal and scotch fillet
Finish wrapping presents
Make sauerkraut
Prepare chilli tomato sauce
Prepare schnitzel
Brush pool table
Clean trampoline
Make cakes
Vacuum everything
Clean everything
Fix broken things
Get pissed!
EAT TOO MUCH!!
Take broken presents back to the shop on boxing day
Spend money from people who couldn't think of something to buy
Take back clothes to shop from people who don't know my size

etc

you get the drift

I still have a lot to do. I need to develop OCD. Is there a pill I can take? Or is there an OCD service I can call?

"OCD Rentals, can I help you?"
"Hello, yes, I'd like an OCD for the weekend please."
"How much are you willing to spend sir?"
"Well, I can provide lodging and meals."
"That is possible, but within that price range I can only offer Helga, a Swedish backpacker."
"That will be fine. Can you send her round right away? I have a long list you see."
"Yes sir. All we ask is that there are fresh sheets and a six-pack of beer waiting on arrival."
"Consider it done! Thanks!"

Now that would be a great Christmas.

Excuse my two posts

2007-12-21T19:07:00.001+11:00

Please excuse my past two posts. They are cryptic, confusing and weird. To, I imagine, anyone but me. Unless you want to guess what they're about. You might guess right I suppose. Either way, it's just a little victory dance. Back to normal programming now. Ciou!

YES

2007-12-21T18:56:00.000+11:00

Again, I got what I wanted.
I am the alpha, and the omega. You are useless.
Victory against the odds.
Brain over brawn.
Pen over sword.
Good over evil.
Truth, justice and the m.b.r.a.i.n way.
Figjam.
I do not arbitrate, I conciliate.
Lured into my rabbit warren, your fat belly is caught.
Resistance was futile.
The power is not to the people.
You fought the law and the law won.
Don't push me 'cause you're close to the edge. I didn't lose my head! U-huh-huh-huh-huh!
Watch out for the hit-man!
You my bitch.
Meet my friend, pain!

I am the champion, my friend. I kept on fighting to the end! No time for losers, 'cause I am the champion. Of the world!

Almost

2007-12-21T00:10:00.000+11:00

So close I can taste it.
On the cusp.
Nearly there.
You know you want it too.
Yes, Marcellus Wallace does look like a bitch.
Giddyup.

Traditions

2007-12-18T18:56:00.000+11:00

No, this is not a boring post about Christmas traditions. Been there, done that. This is a different, weird kind of tradition. I realised this week that I seem to be starting a little kind of tradition with the kids. Often now when they ask me to guess what they got from the shop, or what they want for a gift, or what they want for lunch, or what they had a dream about, or anything.... my answer is "a bunch of bananas?" And I always seem to elicit a laugh. Even from myself. Then, when they ask me for something, or question me about something, or anything similar.... my answer is "what did the frog say?" Again, a chuckle from said child. How did this begin? I think I was joking around about how much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood and somehow I worked in the frog and the bananas bit. We are a strange family. Unique, just like everyone else. Anyway, beware fellow bloggers! If I'm reading your blog and you are "asking the internets" or posting about "guess what my secret is" don't be surprised if I respond with an answer involving a) frogs, b) bananas or c) both of the above. Don't say I didn't warn you!

Shopping blues

2007-12-16T20:45:00.000+11:00

Today, I went Christmas shopping. Most things had already been taken care of, I just had a few odds and ends to pick up. Normally, I quite enjoy going shopping at Christmas. I don't mind the crowds at all. I like to browse through shop after shop, eventually I'll spy the one item that I think "yes, so-and-so would love that!"

And so it goes. Well, that's how it normally goes. Not today.

Is it just me or are all the stores the same, selling all the same junk for the same over-price? There is no variety, no uniqueness, no quality. In one afternoon, the joy of Christmas was pegged back a couple of notches. I was reminded of it's consumer focus, one-up-manship, slap on some tinsel and call me Santa fakeness.

Can I ban department stores at Christmas please? Can I pass a law so that you have to think about why you give gifts to be allowed to participate? Should there be a Christmas citizenshipesque test that you have to pass before you can get your tickets? Please, everyone prick your finger and sign your name in blood, that you shall only give one gift per person.

Every store I went into was the same. Same products, same prices, same storefronts, same displays, same music playing, blah blah blech! I was so disillusioned.

But I'm not cranky. I know that the kids will love what they unwrap from Santa. I know that we'll all stuff ourselves and have an afternoon nap. I know that I'll laugh at the Panel Christmas Wrap. It will be all good, in the end.

Wouldn't it be great if it snowed too?

In my letter to Santa, I asked him to bring me peace.

Inner peace.

Please understand me

2007-12-15T08:28:00.000+11:00

I am of 1 percent. This is why you may not understand me. Let me explain the unexplainable.

You may find me as being confident, but this is in knowledge not in action. I am my own worse critic and whatever accomplishment I achieve, there is always something that can be improved upon next time. Making the same mistake twice is abhorrent. That said, my confidence in knowledge may appear to also come across as arrogance, since I make decisions very quickly and easily. You may convince me to change my mind, but the logic had better be perfect. If you try to influence me with authority, give up now. I will always, always be thinking about the next possibility, even if what's happening today is not resolved. But this is not about detail, it is about systems, the new theory, and the consequences. And no new possibility is too far fetched.

You may find that while I am close to you, I am still very very far away. Everyone who knows me will find, at some time, that they don't really know me. I am the most difficult person to buy for. I am very particular in my tastes - of style, entertainment, women, food. And yet these tastes do not have a theme, they would appear random to you. But to me, they all have a certain quality that cannot be quantified, except in my minds eye.

You may find me cold or even hard to read. My emotions are externally kept in check, but I am hypersensitive to rejection. You may think that I don't care about what you are saying, but this is not intentional. Call me a cheat, a liar, or a fake and I might not care. Call me foolish, stupid or incompetent and I'll put you in your place, back in the rat hole you crawled out of. Only I can assess my own capabilities and they are private. I value competence above all else. I will find you attractive if you are my intellectual equal.

You may find that I observe life from the sidelines. A voyeur perhaps. But the idea of getting involved is great, it will give me the opportunity to learn something new. But I'll only do it once.
I need autonomy and privacy, and I am fiercely independent. I need you to be as well, I won't be your crutch for long. I am firm and consistent. Don't ask me to repeat myself.

You may find that I lose track of time. I forget appointments, birthdays, what day it is, and what you just said to me. But I remember what you said, word for word, in a conversation we had three years ago.

This is only a portrait. Hang it on the wall, but you'll still now know me. Only I will ever know me. I don't have the words to explain. Just accept me. Please.

Choice

2007-12-12T21:24:00.000+11:00

Choices, Decisions, Outcomes.
This is what we all must understand.
There are choices that face us.
We make a decision on which way to go.
The outcome is what we then must live with.

You are stoned.
Wrong decision.
You are warned of possible outcomes.

When faced with the next choice.
You decide incorrectly again, and are found out.
The warning is sterner. Outcomes closer.

Tempting choices.
Another poor decision.
Final warning.

Another choice.
Final decision.
Outcome assured.

Your back is a welcome sight.
You disappear in the smoke.
No-one cares.
And no-one will remember you.

Your choice, your decision, becomes my choice, my decision, becomes your outcome.
I sleep well knowing that you are not.

I can't paint, but let me decide

2007-12-10T23:05:00.000+11:00

I watched a re-run of Star Portraits tonight - it was the first one with Michael Parkinson. I remember a little bit of it from last time, but not enough to think that The New Adventures of Old Christine would be better viewing.

One of the artists said something that really struck a chord with me. I've mentioned it before, but this summed it up very nicely. She said (I'm paraphrasing here) that painting is similar to cricket. The ball comes at the batsman very fast, and it is only reflexes that enables them to hit it. They must rely on body language to pick up cues on how and when the ball will be bowled. And this is like her when she is painting. She just starts, and the painting is a process, and it just comes to her somehow. Both are examples of how you can teach technique, but this does not make you a batsman, or an artist.

So true. So why does this strike a chord with me? There are things that I do, know, and mostly decide, that cannot be explained by rules. I seem to have a knack of summing up complex environments in a relatively short time and making correct judgements about them. I know how decisions should be made. Heck, I've even taught decision making as a process skill. But there are intricacies that cannot be easily constructed within a linear decision making framework. There are factors in systemic frameworks where multiple objectives interact with multiple alternatives and link with multiple outcomes. Stop rambling M, you lost them at Parkinson.

I thought I was wrong once but I was mistaken.

Wrong

2007-12-08T15:58:00.000+11:00

A good friend of Mrs M passed away last night.
Since when is 29 old enough to have a heart attack?
"Who will take me on my first day of school?" her youngest daughter asks her father.
She shouldn't have to ask.
It's all just plain wrong.

The little things

2007-12-08T00:09:00.001+11:00

Sometimes, it's something really small that makes a big difference. Your faith in humanity is strengthened. You start to believe that the little guy can come out on top after all.

I bought my mother a birthday card and a gift voucher from a book store. Angus & Robertson. Not expecting a positive response, I asked the girl serving me, "you don't happen to sell postage stamps do you?"

I wanted to send the card right away, but the post office was closed and I couldn't get there the next day.

"No, but I think we have some here. I could give you one."

"I could kiss you."
I didn't actually say that. I actually said.....

"Really? That'd be great! Thanks!"

"You're welcome"

"You're a lifesaver!"
I did actually say that.

"No problem"

"I've always have had a thing for girls who work in bookstores. How about we meet up for a drink later?"
I definitely didn't say that. I actually said....

"Merry Christmas"

So, I left the store, quite chuffed. I'll go back there, to that Angus & Robertson store.

By the way, Mrs Mbrain is a teacher and trained librarian.

(I think that's all I have to say about that)

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

2007-12-06T21:09:00.000+11:00

I'm getting in the mood now. The tree is up, the lights are twinkling, the carols are playing. Good old Bing and Frank. Or Harry Connick Jr. Office Christmas parties. After work drinks. Too many people shopping. Nowhere to park. Too much to eat. Give the house a spring clean. Scrub the deck and weed the garden. Get the spare bed ready for visitors. Stock up on their favourite wine and breakfast cereal. I must finish writing all those Christmas cards. Drive around the neighbourhood looking at lights. What the heck am I going to buy my mother this year? You can't get good wrapping paper any more. Real tuppence and threepence in the pudding. Smile at a stranger in the street. They smile back. Santa in the department store. I wear a Santa hat to work. Hand out candy canes. Real Scottish shortbread. Everyone's happy.

who am i Tony?, who the fuck are you?

2007-12-03T22:35:00.000+11:00

i'm hiding more now
so it seems
or is it a return
to who i know is me?

shutting out the world
briefly each day
perhaps the opposite is true
i'd just forgotten

free will begets consequence
unannounced, uncalled for
slow, dire, wearing
and a bad dream at midnight
alone

'till the morning sun streams
the morning shower refreshes
the morning brew sharpens
your senses
and i hear kookaburras mocking me

they were my dreams
my self, being, alive
i aspired, mine inspired
a stage, my oyster
mine all the same

b u
b i
2 thyne own self 2 b tru

i've been to paradise
and i'm going back to me

Sunday Lunch Special Leftovers

2007-12-02T13:35:00.001+11:00

But wait...... there's more!

White Chocolate Tart with Raspberries and Double-Cream

Saturday Night Special

2007-12-02T08:41:00.001+11:00

No pizza this week.

Christmas has come early.

Leftovers anyone?

In Love Again (aka Zens are better than iPods)

2007-11-29T21:42:00.000+11:00

And this MEME (from here) proves it, thanks!

MEME Rules:
1. Put your iTunes/ music player on Shuffle
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER WHAT
After you’ve answered all of the questions, tag 5 other people and then let them know they’ve been tagged to do the meme themselves!

1. If someone says ‘Is this OK?’ you say
"The Letter" - Heather Headley

2. What would best describe your personality?
"Juanita + Kiteless" (Fuji live) - Underworld
(I looooove this set!)

3. What do you like in a girl?
"A thing happens" - Gabriel Yared & Underworld

4. How do you feel today?
"Ancient Phat Farm Coat [Flatz Edit]" (JAL to Tokyo EP) - Underworld

5. What is your life’s purpose?
"The Perfect Girl" - The Cure

6. What is your motto?
"Good Morning" - India Arie

7. What do your friends think of you?
"Eclipse" - Underworld

8. What do you think of your parents?
"Anthem for the year 2000" - Silverchair

9. What do you think about very often?
"Another Day" - Angus and Julia Stone.
(Soooo true!)

10. What is 2+2=
"Let it die" - Foo Fighters

11. What do you think of your best friend?
"Friend of Mine" - Lily Tomlin
(Ha! Take that iPod losers!)

12. What do you think of the person you like?
"Why can't I be you?" - The Cure
(Kapow! Another winner from the Zen!)

13. What is you life story?
"Annie-Dog" - Smashing Pumpkins

14. What do you want to be when you grow up?
"My Fix" - Lina

15. What do you think when you see the person you like?
"Bones" - The Killers (LOL!)

16. What do your parents think of you?
"Moaner" - Underworld
(Do I really complain that much? C'mon!)

17.What will you dance to at your wedding?
"My aphrodisiac is you" - Katie Melua
(Oh yes!)

18. What will they play at your funeral?
"Prelude-Feat. Fontella" - The Cinematic Orchesta
(Really? Prelude at a funeral? Mixed up!)

19. What is your hobby/interest?
"Let down" - Radiohead

20. What is your biggest secret?
"Greatest Gift" - Tina Arena
(embarrassment!)

21. What do you think of your friends?
"Born Slippy" - Underworld

22. What should you post this as?
"In love again" - Rogue Traders

Six Underworld tracks! Sheesh!

I've been raspberried

2007-11-28T20:13:00.000+11:00

Decadent = 1kg of Raspberries.

thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou

Choice

2007-11-27T20:31:00.001+11:00

This is one of those posts where I have this uuumpf gut type feeling / understanding about something, an explanation about something I have opinion of but have no idea how to explain it. I'll have a go, and think as I type, but make no guarantees about my ability to write succinctly, nor that you will be able to understand. Now that we've got that out of the way and my excuse for being ill-prepared is well established, the real post will now begin.

What is choice?
Why do we want it?
How much choice can we handle?
Do we know what is a good choice?
Can we be trusted with choice?

I made a statement about the reason I was voting Green on Saturday. It had to do with this topic. Admittedly, it came on the back of watching Sicko and thus I may be somewhat swayed by the message therein. Nevertheless, the thought of Australia doing more and more things like the good 'ol US of A is depressing me.

What is the purpose of government? Well that can be debated until the cows come home.
The world is very much more now a market economy, world capitalism.
In my mind, the USA sits at the most right wing end of the capitalism spectrum.
The essence of capitalism is that a market economy drives GDP forward and standards of living rise. So the purpose of government is to give us a certain standard of living?

Who cares about standard of living? It doesn't make you happy. Really.
Whose standard of living are we talking about? You and me does not equal us.

I don't dislike the idea. It's just gone too far. How so?

Too much choice.

Lower taxes, less services, more choice about how to spend your hard earned money. It's your money after all. And it is. But you can't be trusted with it. You see, even though you're not happy with education/health/roads/water/blah/blah/blah/blah! you wont put your hard earned money aside to pay for these things. Instead, you build you big house with seven bedrooms and three bathrooms and quad zone air conditioning and a pool and plasma TV and buy two cars and blah blah blah. And then complain when the hospital waiting lists are too long or the train is late, or the schools are run down.

I say, take the choice away. Let the balance return. I don't want to think about services. I want to go to work, pay my taxes, and know that things are taken care of for me. I want to not to have to worry about whether my insurance is up to date, or what the excess will be on a claim, or worry about whether the kids can get into the good school.

The choices I want to make are where to go on my next holiday, or what to cook on the BBQ, or what movie I'll watch tonight.

Money is not what it's all about.
Do you work to live or live to work?
Everyone should take a breath and slow down for a second.
We'd all get along much better.

I reckon we'd be happier too.

So. Freedom of choice may be better coined as freedom from choice.

I'll tell you this...
No eternal reward will forgive us now
For wasting the dawn.
--- Jim Morrison

Reveal yourself!

2007-11-25T19:24:00.000+11:00

lurk (lûrk)

intr.v., lurked, lurk·ing, lurks.

To lie in wait, as in ambush.
To move furtively; sneak.
To exist unobserved or unsuspected: danger lurking around every bend.
To read but not contribute to the discussion in a newsgroup, chatroom, or other online forum.

[Middle English lurken, possibly of Scandinavian origin.]

Hello. You read and you do not post. Who are you? Where is your blog? Please share yourself with the rest of us. Pretty please! Don't be shy. Everyone and everything is welcome in my brain. It's not as full as it used to be.

Yes, I'm talking about you.

Really.

Really really.

Random meaningless emotion words on a page

2007-11-23T19:56:00.000+11:00

I failed.

I lost.

I confess.

I cry.

I crawl up into a ball inside my mind to protect myself from the world and hide from the reality that bites at my feet constantly gnashing and clawing and gnarling and growling never never never stopping as I shake and I shiver and I quiver and I quake and feel all alone alone alone (above a raging sea) heart skipping, thumping, pounding, out of my chest and into your arms (tonight) with my soul my life my being my essence.

I wake. Shake this dream from my hair.

You want to know why I hate you? Well I'll try and explain.

Smile wryly,
________ sardonically, naked wretched wench.

Punch.

punchpunchpunchpunch, smack!

Reddened like livery, a snowy other cheek.

yesssssssssssss.

Your escape. My laugh. You're gorgeous.

Wandering through the rain, in Paris. Mon Chérie Amor.

Pulse. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .......... . .. . .. .. . .. ... .. . . .. . . !

Booom! Shake Shake Shake the Room!
Tic Tic Tic Tic Boom!

My vote

2007-11-22T19:26:00.000+11:00

I have always, always, always, always voted Liberal.
Why?
I thought they were right, and everyone else was wrong.

Less and less now do I think they are right and everyone else is wrong.
Now they are both right and both wrong. So how to vote.

I am fortunate enough to be comfortable. I am not in desperate need of anything. I don't need more money, better health care, better schools, better public transport, lower interest rates or higher housing affordability. I am secure in my career and am employable, I can access affordable child care, I live where there is little crime, my local beaches are clean and I have enough water.

So how should I vote?

I have the luxury of not having to think about today, tomorrow, next week, next month, or even next year. I do not even have to think about the next five years. I'm thinking about the next ten to twenty years. And what is the point of difference between the parties regarding Australia's future, thinking that far out?

1. Our relationship with the US. The Americanisation of Australia. I used to think that having choice was the fairest way for a society to operate. I think that the US model of "choice" is ineffective and unfair. As Peter Garrett famously penned "The rich get richer, the poor get the picture". I agree. I see our relationship with the US as being corrupt. Not financially, but morally. This is not the direction I want Australia to take. I'd prefer the European model. Better services but higher taxes. Less choice but better outcomes.

2. Kyoto. I used to think that if China and the US didn't sign, then what's the point? I used to think that since we have met the targets then isn't that what matters? I now think that we should have signed it. Why? It the point of it. It is a symbol that we care and no matter the insignificance of our contribution, a lot of small amounts add up to a lot. To put any reason forward why we should not sign is just an excuse. We don't need excuses, we need solutions. And the best place to start is at the beginning. Aspirations turn into plans turn into actions turn into outcomes.

3. Iraq. This is not just morally corrupt but all other types too. Make love not war. And all that. Enough said.

So I'm voting Green. There, I said it. I never thought I'd say it but there you go. I'm no "greeny" save the frogs and shit, but my values are now firmly aligned with theirs on climate change and foreign affairs.

And Bob Brown will turn straight for Missy Higgins. Enough said.

Standing up taller

2007-11-20T19:07:00.000+11:00

I actually feel taller today.
And I've put on 2kg. This is not a bad thing.
Why why why why? Well I'm feeling good. Actually, the best I have for a while.
I think there's a lesson here.
Anxiety is bad for your posture.

This song has come into my head.....

Underworld - Stand Up

What d'you see when you look at me?
You got somethin' you need to say
your eyes are cryin' but your voice is still
well don't wait for charity to pay your bill!

Stand up!
The door is open wide stand up!
It's time to turn your tide
just once tell me what you keep behind those eyes
we all plead intentions,
but the devil's intentions aren't good (ya know!)

Everybody has got their cross
but you wear yours right across your face
damning me with your sainted eyes
suffering our compromise

Stand up!
The door is open wide stand up!
It's time to turn your tide
just once tell me what you keep behind those eyes
we all plead intentions,
but the devil's intentions aren't good (ya know!)

Beautiful Flower

2007-11-17T23:49:00.001+11:00

Firstly, there's a new India Arie album out soon, so hooray. Here's the single from it. Beautiful Flower. To my fairer readers; if you're feeling glum, then this song is for you.

Re-re-vitalised

2007-11-15T22:16:00.000+11:00

New look. New name. Same me.

Frustration Synonym

2007-11-15T21:38:00.000+11:00

.

gah!

.

About M (The Amanda interview)

2007-11-13T19:22:00.000+11:00

I responded to this post by the worldly Amanda yesterday. So here I am, with five questions asked by the enigmatic Sandgroper, answered for you. If you want me to ask you five questions, leave me a comment!

1. The first time I read your blog, you were confessing your love of The Audreys, which I share. I think you mentioned that this was not the usual type of music you'd listen to- is there anything else you love that we might find surprising?

Ha ha! I'm not sure it was a confession so much but rather an expression of... well... infatuation over Taasha Coates! I figure your question is not necessarily about music? I'm not sure if this is terribly surprising, but it sure is something I love. And it's very specific. I love cooking Christmas Eve dinner for my family and friends. It has always been a tradition for my father's family that Christmas is celebrated on Christmas Eve. As kids, we'd always have a Christmas with each set of Grandparents. Now, in my family, I cook on Christmas Eve and invite all the local family and our close friends around. It has become something that our friends really enjoy and have come to incorporate into their Christmas routine. I cook the same food that my Grandmother would - veal schnitzel, fried red cabbage (like sauerkraut), and vegetables. But I've added my own variant by adding a home-made chilli-tomato sauce. I buy an entire veal topside, cut thin as paper, and crumb it in cornflake crumbs. I love how it takes me all day to get the kitchen organised, cook all the meat and sauce, then have everyone arrive eager to see how much they can stuff into their stomachs! Then we all sit around and talk, drink, and enjoy each others company. And then we usually walk around the streets looking at the Christmas lights. The perfect way to start Christmas! Apologies to anyone reading whose mouth is watering right now....

2. You recently wrote about how proud (or at least pleased) you were that your children inherited some of your deformities- what other achievements by your children are you proud of?

Well, there are four of them, so I'll think of something for each of them. They are all quite still young, so "achievement" is an awkward word to draw upon, but we'll see how it goes.

LittleM1. Well, this was something that happened at school. She is not the most socially adept child. Not totally shy and withdrawn, but social skills are something that we really have to work on. Anyhow, at school one day, LittleM1's class were asked to each write down on a piece of paper, who their "friend of the week" was, and why. Then, one by one, they each had to read out what they had written down. Well! Over half the class wrote down LittleM1! They all said "she's nice to me" and "for sharing" and "playing nicely". And this was the first "friend of the week" that the class had done. Shock and pride were my simultaneous emotions. It happened to be parent-teacher interviews that week. We discussed this at length! Even the teachers were blown away by what had happened. As an aside, the teachers said that LittleM1 smiles all the time and now that they've met me, they know where that smile comes from. Aww shucks!

LittleM2 has challenges. He's neurologically atypical - that's all I'll say. Simple things that we'd take for granted with the others are difficult with LittleM2. We have to teach him everything. Except how to escape - that ability is self taught. Anyhow, I don't know if it's pride, but it's something. LittleM2 is just lovable. His smile, his pleasant nature, the joy he finds in his world. You just want to cuddle him. I guess I'm proud of the way he is, even given the way he is.

LittleM3 is a cheeky monkey. I love her spirit, her individuality, her forthright nature. I love that she is such a unique individual. I'm proud of her for giving anything a go. She's never scared of anything (except bugs and bad dreams).

LittleM4 is the youngest of the clan and is only two. You'd think that being so young and with three older siblings, he'd be run over. Nope. He stands up for himself and usually gets his own way with them. And with us. I'm proud of him for that. Oh, and we love his smile too.

What is it about smiles? On reflection, we do tend to get a lot of people comment to us on our kids smiles. Maybe it's because they get tickles so often, their smile muscles get a good workout!

3. You recently started a photography blog. Is your interest in photography a recent development, or a long-standing one, and what are your favourite subjects to capture on film?

I've always been interested in photography. I've never done any courses or anything like that, but I like to snap away and hope for a "magic" shot. You know, the one that's out of focus but captures the emotion? That's the point too - for me, it's all about the emotion of the moment, not the replication of the event.

Most certainly my favourite subjects to capture are people. One of my favourite photos of my wife was one I snapped as she was laughing and looking at me, that instant before the "don't take a photo of me" look. It's very out of focus and was taken with an old compact film camera - but the emotion of the moment was priceless. Her blue eyes sparkle and show pure joy. She took a photo of LittleM1 and LittleM4 once - they were just sitting together against a wall and both their eyes just gleamed.

Now you've got me thinking though Amanda. Why the interest in photography? I think I'm a voyeur! I like to watch!

4. Not too long ago, you blogged a letter to your father. What would you hope a similar letter from one of your own children would say in 30 years time?

Oooooh. A toughie, but a goody. I'll quote Pulp Fiction;

The Wolf: You see that, young lady? Respect. Respect for one's elders gives character.
Raquel: I have character.
The Wolf: Just because you are a character doesn't mean that you have character.

So that's my answer. I'd like to think that my children will respect me (for who I am, not what I've done), and that they will see me as someone who has character.

5. You met your wife drunk on Midore one night. If you were to go back and change anything about that night, what would it be? Or perhaps it all worked out so well in the end that you wouldn't change anything?

I'll often look back at certain events in my life and say "I wonder what would have happened if..." or "I wonder how things might have turned out if only...". I've wondered what would have happened if I'd not taken "the job" out of school and studied architecture like I'd always wanted. Or if I hadn't behaved badly and instead I'd treated that girl with a bit more respect.

But that drunken NYE is not one of those events. All good came from it. From our first date, there seemed to be something there. I still to this day can't (for the life of me) describe what "it" is, and I don't think I realised it at the time. But it was there. That night, when we met, I didn't feel an overwhelming feeling of "oh my god she's the one". I wasn't particularly confident (given the alcohol) or anything else like that. One thing that was unique I suppose was that as one date was followed by another and another, the progression appeared and felt natural. It never seemed to me that it wasn't going to happen. I felt it did not need to be said, since it was obvious to me.

So I wouldn't change that night. I wouldn't even swap the Midori for something cool. The fact it was Midori makes it a cool story, don't you reckon?

If you want to be interviewed, leave me a comment including the words "Interview me." I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions. If you don't have a valid email address on your blog, please provide one. You will update your blog with a post containing your answers to the questions. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Do not worry

2007-11-11T23:30:00.001+11:00

If something can be done, then do it. Do not worry. If something cannot be done, then it cannot be done. Do not worry.

Snagglepuss

2007-11-08T05:54:00.000+11:00

I don't know what's causing me to be stressed.

When I am stressed, it's normally quite easy to pick what the cause is, what's weighing me down.

It could be that my boss is pissing me off. It could be that I've had an argument. It could be that all the little things that happen in the day that culminate in an internal scream. Not at the moment.

But then again, it doesn't feel the same either. Normally, when I'm stressed, I get cranky. Moody. Frustrated. Right now, I don't actually feel bad. In fact, I feel quite relaxed. I am calm and quite happy. It's more like I feel leaden, slow, I can't think of a third adjective.

I'll relate this perhaps to something you might be familiar with. You know how when you're in the zone - you are in flow - that things just zip along. And nothing bothers you? You forget everything else, time does not matter, you skip lunch, outside distractions no longer exist and you are at your very best? Well... the "funk" I'm in seems to be the opposite to that. I never feel in flow any more. Everything distracts me. The only reason that the day passes quickly is when I am up to my neck in the shit. Nothing really gets done, I'm treading water. Yeah, that sums it up. I'm treading water. Standing still. Marking time. The big red pause button of my life is fully depressed.

"You white men are lost. You don't understand the land, too many silly questions. Your presence on this Earth will come to an end. You have no sense, no purpose, no direction."
- Where the Green Ants Dream

Where does one begin to find purpose?
What is sense?
What direction should I take, and how far should I take it?
Do I type destination: purpose into a SatNav and let it lead me there?
With a sweet yet lifeless recorded female voice: "In 3 minutes, turn left on MidLifeCrisis Avenue. Continue for years and years and years."

Perhaps I need to find God.
A God. Any God.
A good God.
One that will still let me drink, fuck and swear. In that and not-necessarily-that order. But will forgive me these Sins, yet show me the light. Enable enlightenment. Transcendence.
One that gives good Karma.
Oh, and one who'll let me eat baby cows. Lightly crumbed and fried. (I love my Christmas eve dinner). And who'll buy me a Mercedes-Benz.

This was supposed to be a serious post about my Funk. Now it's just turned silly. I'm making fun of myself. That's how much of a Funk I'm in. I can't stay on task writing about not being able stay on task.

The SatNav is talking to me right now. Except it's the voice of Snagglepuss. "Exit, stage left!"

Heavens to Murgatroyd!

What I'm talking about

2007-11-04T19:10:00.001+11:00

Do you think the name of my blog is interesting? I do. I pinched it from a Gary Larson cartoon. Not that I have a small head or anything. I just so often have so many things going on in my mind that it feels chokka-blok sometimes. You know? And often, I feel like I have to excuse myself, to allow things to rearrange, sink in, diffuse, expunge, straighten out, or just fade back.

I've posted about life and love, religion and passion, family and work. Does any of this reflect forwards the real me however? I have a belief that I am very hard to know. I cannot be expected to act (or react) in a certain way. And yet, my life's journey seems steady, forward, conditioned, predictable. My life's events seem known (on an observers reflection).

I still haven't found what I'm looking for. Forgive (or excuse) my seemed inflated ego when I say that I have always thought that I'm here for a reason. Here that is, on this earth. Existing. Do I have to 'find' my life's purpose or will it find me? I don't want to contradict myself though - since I've expressed an opinion that the meaning to all our lives is in the journey itself. This yields much less satisfaction however than if I'm here to achieve a specific thing.

I've posted about 'what's next'. These are things about the here and now, the things that are hands on, touchable, tangible, (even legible), non-abstract activities and actions that have some connection to an end game. I've reflected on these things. What is it that they have in common? What am I really trying to achieve? They are all in my control, they all take effort, and they all yield longer than short-term results. They all require a certain state of mind. And a change to the now to effect the tomorrow.

I have a very analytical mind. I'm certainly not being modest in this regard. I've been able to (and have pften had to) temper this with time and empathy to be effective. I can sum up a complex problem (and on my own) sooner than others and offer solutions that only reveal themselves as correct with the passing of time. So what? It means that I cannot adequately explain using these words, this keyboard, and the brevity of these few minutes what I feel compelled to explain.

I can see the brim of the light ahead. It is bright and white. I think I know now where to look to find my answers. I have hope and I trust.

I may take a break for a few days, to read, to think and to de-clutter my overflowing mind.

Toy attachment

2007-11-01T23:40:00.000+11:00

Dear Santa,

I've been a good boy this year.

Please can I have one?

Please?

Thanks dude,

Freak Update

2007-11-01T23:24:00.000+11:00

Hot off the presses.....
Not only does my #2 kidlet have the same freakish growth on his ribs that I do, my #1 and #4 kidlets have double jointed thumbs too.
I'm so proud!
No luck #3 yet... but I'm still looking.
Surely she can't be normal?!
No! Anything but normal!!!

Grip

2007-10-31T19:18:00.001+11:00

I went to my doctor today. Don't panic! I'm not sick!

Just some things I wanted checked out, and it required some examination of my hands and the reflexes in my fingers. At the end, she says "squeeze my fingers" and points per index and middle fingers out to me.

OK, you asked for it.....

"Ok, Ok, Ok, that's enough! Nothing wrong there!" she states, perhaps surprised. You see, I'd said that I'd been feeling a little "weak" in my hands lately.

She said I have the strongest grip of anyone she'd ever examined. I hope I didn't break her finger.

I'd always thought I'd had a strong grip. You know those little machines they use during fitness tests where you squeeze them to test your strength? I'd always rate "very high". Not that I'm all buff or anything. In fact, my forearms are quite lean.

Speaking of grip however, I think I have a pretty strong grip in other ways too.....

- Grip on the earth. I wear a size 12-13 (depends on the make). "You've got a good grip on the earth there son!"

- Grip on reality. I think I understand most things pretty well. No, I sell myself short. I think I understand everything very well. FIGJAM.

- In the Grip. I go there a bit.

But no, I've never been to Grip, nor have I ever worked as a Grip. My sister always tells me to get a grip, but I tell her to fulabuck-olaboff. :-)

I don't facking heart u

2007-10-30T18:54:00.000+11:00

If I read "I heart you" one more fucking time, I'm going to go mental.

I think if I actually heard someone say it, in person, I'd stab them in the heart.
With a really sharp stick.
Dipped in poison.
Twenty eight times.
Then push them in front of a bus.
A really big one.
Driven by Sandra Bullock.

So there.

In Radiohead we trust

2007-10-28T08:16:00.000+11:00

Grumble....

Daylight saving. Lost one hour sleep.
The kids don't know any better. What they do know is they can't watch Bindi this morning since it's already been on. My explanation did not help one bit.

So what else can we watch.
Flick. No.
Flick. Not that either.
Flick. ABC2. Music?
I know, the other music with the bar at the bottom.
You mean from this (my Zen)?
Yes!

fyi, I plus in my Zen to the TV which is hooked up to the home theatre.

How about this? Radiohead!

Inexplicably, all the kids start to dance when this comes on....

Radiohead over The Wiggles and BoohBah? There is hope. Real hope!

Mood of the Day

2007-10-27T17:59:00.000+10:00

Most often it's a song or an expletive that best describes my mood. Today it's, of all things, a poem. Enjoy.

The Sun Rising

Busy old fool, unruly Sun,
Why dost thou thus,
Through windows, and through curtains, call on us?
Must to thy motions lovers' seasons run?
Saucy pedantic wretch, go chide
Late schoolboys, and sour prentices,
Go tell court-huntsmen that the king will ride,
Call country ants to harvest offices,
Love, all alike, no season knows, nor clime,
Nor hours, days, months, which are the rags of time.

Thy beams, so reverend and strong
Why shouldst thou think?
I could eclipse and cloud them with a wink,
But that I would not lose her sight so long:
If her eyes have not blinded thine,
Look, and tomorrow late, tell me
Whether both th' Indias of spice and mine
Be where thou leftst them, or lie here with me.
Ask for those kings whom thou saw'st yesterday,
And thou shalt hear: "All here in one bed lay."

She is all states, and all princes I,
Nothing else is.
Princes do but play us; compar'd to this,
All honour's mimic, all wealth alchemy.
Thou, sun, art half as happy 's we,
In that the world's contracted thus;
Thine age asks ease, and since thy duties be
To warm the world, that's done in warming us.
Shine here to us, and thou art everywhere;
This bed thy centre is, these walls, thy sphere.

---- John Donne

2007-10-26T21:38:00.001+10:00

I love my ADSL2

New Old Favourite

2007-10-25T23:01:00.000+10:00

Do you ever hear an old song for the first time in a long while, and fall in love with it all over again? I was listening to INXS on my Zen yesterday, and "To look at you" came on.

Lovin' it.

What is the name to call
For a different kind of girl
Who knows the feelings
But never the words

To look at you
And never speak
Is so good
For me tonite

Who do you ask when there's no one
Left to turn to
You ask me and I'll
always try to hear
Past money and colours
and make believe
Good cheap values for
a thrifty clown

To Look at You
And never speak
Is so good
For me tonite

What do you fear in the simple
Still of a summer's nite
I understand I
sympathize for a daydream
Fairytales and I love you

What is the name to call
For a different kind of girl
Who knows the feeling's
But never the words

To this ... real life documentary

Shabooh Shoobah really was the best INXS album wasn't it?

New toy

2007-10-23T19:43:00.000+10:00

I have another new toy to play with. Somehow, something K wanted was also something I wanted. How rare is that? Pretty rare. No bribery and corruption required, just "let's buy it then. OK." So we did. And not the you beaut variety, but excellent value. Good onya Ted's.

To celebrate, and in anticipation of things to come, I've created a brand-new, dedicated photo-blog-journal. It's for all I cap·ture (kăp'chər) and want to share.

Salt & Vinegar

2007-10-23T19:30:00.000+10:00

Aldi Salt & Vinegar Chips are so strong that they "burned" my mouth. The skin on the inside of my mouth, around my lips, has been peeling off for the past two days.

Unless you've got asbestos lined gums, keep well clear.

A free consumer tip from M.

My boy

2007-10-22T19:23:00.000+10:00

I am a mutant. But aren't we all. My deformities are very specific and unique. But aren't yours too?

Firstly, the second toe on my right foot is wickedly bent. Just that one toe. It works fine, for walking and for fishing.

Secondly, my right ear is higher than the left and sticks out more. It reminds me every morning when I look in the mirror. I look at myself, and my ear says "Good morning freak!"

Thirdly, my thumbs are double jointed. Not my fingers, just the thumbs. They can bend backwards nearly 90 degrees. Good for massages actually, we all like this deformity.

Fourthly, my right arm is 2cm longer than my left. Good for nothing at all. Except reaching things a bit higher.

Fifthly, My canine teeth are really like a canine. All pointy and shit. Like a vampire! No! I am a vampire! I've come to suuuck your blooood!

Lastly, most bizarrely, and yet most cool, I have extra cartilage or something growing on my bottom left rib. It pokes out like I'm growing an alien love child (shhhh!). But why is this cool?

My son has the same thing. Awesome.

The debate?

2007-10-21T21:19:00.000+10:00

Or was it a popularity contest? I agree that John Howard has all the charisma of a John Howard, but I can't believe that people think Rudd has much more.

I started off with the decision: to worm or not to worm. As it turns out, I should have taken my Combantrin and watched the ABC. The 60 minutes audience were voting before anything was said. Literally. It simply made the worm irrelevant, except for the relative difference between what each leader had to say about any particular topic, or who seemed to be more credible about one topic or another. I must say that I did laugh a couple of times. Once, in a slip of the most Freudian kind, Rudd almost said "Mr Coward" instead of "Mr Howard" until he caught himself.

I'll divide this post into two parts, the synopsis, and the blow by blow commentary.

SYNOPSIS

Rudd wins when they talk about:
- Tax on higher income earners
- Kyoto
- George Bush

Howard wins when they talk about:
- Unions
- Practical environment solutions
- China

Pretty even on other things, like Indigenous affairs, Iraq, education, interest rates, inflation, child care.

It seemed the risks for both sides are with the team they have behind them. Johnny got poor marks when Turnbull and Costello are mentioned, and likewise Rudd when Combet and Shorten are spoken about.

COMMENTARY

I did like that the cricket analogy was used at the start. The PM sent Kevvy in to bat.
The Labour innings went like this....

The Labour openers score well with a few beautiful cut shots to the boundary in the first over. The cost of living comments are paying off well for Rudd.

After 10 overs, it's 0/65.

Johnny is still flat. But then he changes bowlers, brings on the spinners. Let's not get back to the old days with Union bosses!

After 20 overs, it's looking better for the home side. Both openers are back in the pavilion and it's 2/112.

Some comments about TV ads and broadband help the batting side here. It looks like those two wickets have not slowed down the scoring at all.

After 30 overs, it's 2/187.

Oh no, a dropped catch for the government. Why did he confirm that Costello would be the next captain! And he's doing a great job as vice captain now!

After 40 overs, it's moved on to 2/261. It looks like a big score to chase down.

More talk about unions, this should help the bowlers. And yes, finally the breakthrough! Comments about union financial support to the Labour party brings about a run-out. The new batsman to the crease is not fazed, the very next ball is launched over the boundary for six! Apparently people like what the unions did with James Hardie victims!

At the end of their 50 overs, the visitors (and the favourites by the way) and well in command, amassing a score of 3/339.

Now the home side is in to bat.

Poor start, no wickets but a slow run-rate. We shouldn't remind the public that the government have been in power for so long.

After 10 overs, 0/29. It's a long way home from here.

Wicket! A tax refund on computers yorks the batsman and knocks the middle stump out of the ground. Then more wickets tumble. Interest rates take their toll. A dodgy lbw decision makes things worse.

After 20 overs, 4/75. But it looks like rain.

Masterstroke from the PM! He calls Rudd pathetic! Brilliant batting PM! And it's a rain dance that has worked, the rain tumbles down and the covers go on.

This doesn't look good, we may not get a result.

But wait, it looks like things are clearing up. And yes, it's been announced that play will resume shortly. The revised target is 265 off 38 overs.

Back in the middle, the PM lays it all out, making statements about union policy on full employment being put aside over workplace control. Bit it's a swing and miss I'm afraid Johnny!

The next few overs pass and the battle is even.

After 30 overs, the government have regained some ground, but the win looks out of reach. 6/145. 120 needed off just 8 overs.

Nice play again from the PM. He needs to stay at the crease if the government are to have any hope in this match. Great hook shot over the link between the environment and the economy - good scoring opportunities here. 16 off that over!

Turnbull is out! Or is he? There's mass confusion in the middle. The PM backs Turnbull over bush and the crowd doesn't know whether to cheer or boo! The 3rd umpire gives him out. A good innings but now it's 7/199. 66 needed in 4 overs.

Trump cards now, talk about APEC and getting China to talk to the USA. Four! Four! Four! This is getting close!

No! Don't talk about Bush! Howard is out! 8/231.
Terrorism threat increased or decreased since Iraq? Out! 9/235.
Labour brings his strike bowler back straight away. Combat troops will be withdrawn from Iraq next year. But the edge goes through the slips! Missed chance there!

Are you sorry Johnny? Are you sorry that you're not sorry? No! It's disrespectful! Six! 9/250.
Just 14 needed off the last over.

Big Mal is at the crease now. Go Mal, Go Mal!
Four, Two, Dot, Two, Four!
Just two needed to win off the last ball!
Edged through cover, they get the first, coming back for the second, The return is fired in at the keeper..... and .... a run-out is it? Yes! it's a run-out! It's a tie! It's a hung debate.

More like a mastur-bate. It really was a wank, a toss, a pull, a slog, a tug, a jack-off.
I don't think it helped anyone make any decisions. I think it's foregone who Australia likes the most. We just won't know if this translates into votes.

I vote for Ray Martin. Or that dude from SkyNews, whoever he was.
Better yet, I vote for me.
Vote M for PM!
I'll give you free broadband, but you have to have my blog as your homepage. Deal?

Whoopee doo

2007-10-21T11:31:00.001+10:00

Oh, looks like that last post was #100. If you don't count posts on my last blog. Hoorah. Do I get a 2 for 1 offer at Montezumas? How about a complimentary mint on my pillow? No? Okay. How about a $21 a week tax cut? Yes?!? Cool! Thanks. What if we get a hung parliament? Do I get $42?

Go me.

Language

2007-10-21T10:42:00.000+10:00

Why the heck do we have words that mean more than one thing? I mean, if you want to describe something "new" pick a new word! Don't just pick a word that's already being used to describe something completely different and say "well, it means this now too." Here are some that are particularly interesting....

Culture:
1. Patterns of human activity and the symbolic structures that give such activity significance.
2. The growing of microorganisms in a nutrient medium.

Solution: Oh hang on - they're actually the same.... No solution required.

Deck:
1. A pack of cards
2. A raised wooden platform adjoining a house
3. To punch someone and they fall down

Solution: Call the cards a Dec, and the punch a Dek. Done.

Dock:
1. Water next to a pier
2. What I'll do to your pay if you're late!

Solution: Call the pay deduction a "Dohk", named after the famous industrialist Edward Dohk.

Draw:
1. Like with a pencil and paper
2. Equal scores
3. What you do with your weapons

Solution: When the scores are the same, call it a Drawtie. That covers off when it's a tie too. Ban guns, that'll fix that.

Fall:
1. To be one with gravity
2. What the yanks call Autumn.

Solution: Call it Autumn already!

Period:
1. A punctuation at the end of a sentence. i.e. a full stop.
2. Something that causes madness once a month in half of the petre dish's microorganisms.

Solution: Call it a full stop. I do. What's wrong with you?

Pontoon:
1. A buoyancy device
2. Blackjack

Solution: Call it Blackjack. Der.

Root:
1. What Wombats eat with leaves.
2. What Aussie blokes do before they leave.
3. What Yanks do at a sporting event.

Solution: Leave the trees alone, use fuck and cheer.

Shower:
1. How we keep clean
2. What chicks do when other chicks have babies.

Solution: Call the baby shower what it is, an excuse for a girly party.

Strike:
1. Swinging and missing a baseball
2. Hitting any other type of ball
3. Industrial action.

Solution: If you miss the baseball, you have not struck it, so it cannot be a strike! C'mon, what's the matter here! Call it a miss already! As for the industrial action, just call it a Mass-Dohk.

Get this....
Trapezium:
1. a quadrilateral with one pair of parallel sides (English definition)
2. a quadrilateral with no parallel sides (Yank definition)
Trapezoid:
1. a quadrilateral with one pair of parallel sides (Yank definition)
2. a quadrilateral with no parallel sides (English definition)

Solution: Have a meeting, decide once and for all and send us all a memo.

QED.
What's next?

Fucking Idiots, Pt 2

2007-10-19T22:23:00.000+10:00

In fact, this song sums it up nicely too......

The Cure - Shiver and Shake

You're just a waste of time
You're just a babbling face
You're just three sick holes that run like sores
You're a fucking waste
You're like a slug on the floor
Oh you're useless and ugly
And useless and ugly
And I shiver and shake
When I think of how you make me hate

I want to smash you to pieces
I want to smash you up and screaming
I want to smash you helpless
Down on the floor
Smash you until you're not here anymore

And I shiver and shake
Shiver and shake

Yes, I think that sums it up nicely.

Fucking Idiots

2007-10-19T22:18:00.000+10:00

Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Excuse my cussing gentle readers.....

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fucking idiot.
How can you be so fucking rude, stupid, clueless, fucking, fucking, gaaaah!
Fuck off up that fucking rat hole you oozed out of and go fuck yourself.
You're a waste of fucking oxygen.
I hope you die and rot and fester and decay in fucking hell.
I hope the worst of your past is the best of your future.

Fuck you.

Phew, that feels better!

If I had a dollar

2007-10-17T19:50:00.000+10:00

If only I had a dollar every time....

.... someone I already did not respect disagreed with with me
.... someone I did already respect agreed with me
.... I went with my head and regretted it
.... I forgot what listening meant
.... I flew rather than fought
.... I wished I could actually fly away
.... I felt uncomfortable singing my own praises
.... I allowed myself to do something less important ahead of something more important
.... I started reading a book and never finished
.... I realised my intentions are greater than my ability
.... I realised my plans are broader than time allows
.... I realised my dreams are further out of reach than I thought
.... I wished I had the words to express what I really wanted to say
.... I realised I could not explain what I know to be true
.... I wanted to punch my boss in the face

What is it to be rich?

2007-10-15T23:49:00.000+10:00

Flavour
Wealth
Experience
Colour
Music
Prose
Aroma
Love
History
Time
Life

Election?

2007-10-14T22:32:00.000+10:00

So little Johnny has gone and called the election date. Giddy up.

Since I am interested in the outcome, but not to the extent that I will march in a street with a banner, my post is bound to be somewhat in the middle. I suppose I am right wing, but only because I'm not left. But isn't that the definition of right wing anyhow?

I think whatever way you're going to vote, it lines up with a certain biblical philosophy. Particularly about unconditional election.

I quote from wiki....

In Calvinism, this election is called "unconditional" because his choice to save someone does not hinge on anything inherent in the person or on any act that the person performs or belief that the person exercises.

Similar to voting Kevin'07, since a vote for Kevin is just a vote against Johnny. Our vote does not hinge on anything inherent in the person (he's as boring as Johnny) or any act that the person performs (what has he done??) or belief that the person exercises (except that he believes the opposite to Johnny).

or.....

the Armenian doctrine of conditional election in which God's eternal choice to save a person is conditioned on God’s certain foreknowledge of future events, namely, that certain individuals would exercise faith and trust in response to God's offer of salvation.

Similar to voting for Johnny, since our vote is all about our belief that we have foreknowledge of future events, namely, that voters would exercise faith and trust in response to Johnny's offer of a strong economy.

I wonder if there's an unconditional election doctrine for the Greens?
There used to be one for the Democrats, but I can't remember who they are anymore.

A world away and time ago

2007-10-14T00:06:00.001+10:00

I remember the dust doesn't take as long to settle as you think. Then, I walk. The weight is not a burden, but I do not forget. It effects my balance. The stones are not slippery here. There are even parts of walking trail off to one side, as a reminder that I'm headed the right way. But I remember, like it was only yesterday. I can hear the water now, splashing down from above. I need to cross before I climb. That tree root, always seemed dead, clinging to the rocks, is still there. I always expect it to be broken, yet it is not, every time I am here. It's in the perfect position for a hand grab, helps me up. At the top, I look down. It's not grand but it feels like mine, this waterfall. A few more metres off to the side. Hammock between two trees. I remember playing cards, drinking wine, and vodka. Jumping into the water - into just the right spot between the rocks - and back again. An eel brushes against my leg. There are voices, some others come to visit. But only for a short while. No-one else stays. They don't know this place (really) like I do. I'm glad. The night is always cool, the breeze always gentle, the stars always bright. Then later, the rain always light. I can spend days and days here. Just me, a friend, and the goannas. I am fifteen and this is my escape.

Breather

2007-10-13T23:50:00.000+10:00

Can I put the brakes on the world please?

STOP

Can we all just sit down together and talk over a coffee?
Thanks.

Brain Dump

2007-10-12T00:06:00.000+10:00

I'd originally wanted to set this blog up to allow some space to unload all the junk going on in my brain. To de-charge. Some people exercise, listen to music, or fuck. Most often, I need to re-sort my thoughts. Time to throw some things on the page and shuffle them around for later use. Ready?

Change is a circular process, not a linear one, so I welcome it's speed.
I'm not really actively passionate about anything and I think that's sad.
I always thought I was here for a reason. Am I waiting for it to be presented to me?
They say regret is usually because you didn't do something. It's true.
I trust my gut more and more all the time. So much so that I can't explain my logic in words.
I've been told that I often leave people behind when I explain something, that I speak on a different level.
I really, really, really love the 2 minutes of my day when I walk in the house and all the kids run to the door yelling daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy and give me big hugs around my legs. It's about my favourite thing in the world. If only they were bringing chocolate icecream for me too, it'd be perfect.
I can't get "I'm drunk, can't see my glass" out of my head, although I haven't heard Golden Playpen (INXS - Shabooh Shoobah) for years and years and years and you probably don't even know the song.
I don't know sometimes if I'm holding on too tight, or letting go too easily.
I don't like putting myself in other peoples shoes
I'm never going to have a mid-life crisis. It will be a gradual slide that gently rides me up and down, like a rollercoaster baby baby.
Now I've got "Shine Like it Does" in my mind too...

That will do. I'm tired. Goodnight from me (and goodnight from him).

A letter to my father

2007-10-08T23:50:00.000+10:00

Dad,

I might start by saying that I'm not sure what I'm going to write, and whatever I do, you might not understand. Is that because I'm not sure that you understand me? Not sure. Perhaps I can't explain to you really what I want to say because I don't really know.

There were some things I never understood about you. Still don't. There seemed to me always a laissez-faire atmosphere about you. About you about me. I think perhaps what really was going on was that you didn't know how to be a dad. You did of course, but you weren't confident about it. Yes, that's it. Were you a confident father? I didn't get that impression. Did I need that? I'm not sure.

The one thing I admire about you though is that you never seem to let your frustrations get the better of you. You just take it all in. Absorb it. I never learnt anger from you. This is a good thing.

I'd written this letter before. Many years ago. It read very different to this one. The last one was filled with misunderstood shame and disappointment. A splash of resentment. I was young and naive. My years add respect to yours. As my wisdom grows, yours becomes apparent. Yet strangely, I can't help but think that luck played a strong part.

Emotions have unique ways of presenting themselves. We all know when you have things bottled up. You pace and frown. You look down and you look down. You get busy doing nothing. I am the same. You know, I don't know what you are passionate about. I am the same. But just because you do not have a passion, does not mean you are not passionate.

I wonder if you are happy. Like really. Is the journey enough or is there an end in mind? I wonder if I can answer the same? Sorry for the random babble. Perhaps this is more a letter to myself than it is to you.

Definitely looking forward to seeing you in a couple of weeks time. I'll make us pizza and share a beer. Sit and chat about nothing. Just be in our space together, where we are comfortable. Like two brothers. Like nothing has changed. Or ever will. This is what we do, and what I miss. The understanding that exists without words.

M

A secret

2007-10-07T01:11:00.000+10:00

We just lost the damb rugby to damb England and I can't get to sleep. So I'm back here again while I cool down.

Time to let you in on a secret. Each Saturday, I make pizza for the family. No big deal, I've noted this before. The difference this time is that I'm going to give you the recipe for making the base. Now I've been doing this for a little while. Slowly perfecting my technique, here, there, until I get it just right. I'm no pro, but the pizza tastes damb good (there's that word again). And yes, the picture above is the very pizza from tonight. I was actually that impressed with it I just had to snap a shot. Well, actually, this is one of three I made, I always make enough for three. We used to eat all three, but now there's enough for left over. Tonight we had garlic bread too so there's a whole pizza left to have for lunch while watching Bathurst tomorrow. Go Skaifey. But I digress.

Here goes....

I use a bread machine to mix the dough. Slightly cheating, yes, yes, whatever. It works good and it saves on effort.

I'm not sure if you're supposed to keep the yeast in the fridge or not, but I do. So step one, two teaspoons in the bowl.
Then four cups of bakers flour. Plain flour is ok too but the result is just that little bit better with bakers flour. (....not self-raising flour!)
Put in a slosh of vegetable oil. Now a slosh is actually a technical term. I'm not going to tell you exactly what it is, but I know exactly what my slosh is. Start with two tablespoons and experiment to find your slosh. It works better if you can customise your technique. I find the result is highly dependent on the slosh technique, what feels right. Trust yourself and fight the urge to measure. The love makes up for it.
A few teaspoons or a couple of tablespoons of sugar. A bit like the oil, go with your gut on this. You must do this immediately after the oil, because the technique is all about flow. Good flow is good mojo.
Salt: three pinches, using your pointer finger and thumb from your right hand.
Lastly, add the water. 330mL exactly. This is very important to get the water to flour to yeast ratio correct. And equally important. DO NOT USE WARM WATER. It will fuck it up. Did you write that down? Underline it in red please.
This will be enough to make three large pizzas. Scale to suit.

Now my machine takes two and a half hours to mix, nead, rest, nead, rest the dough. So have a beer and enjoy the footy.....

Once it's done I split into three and roll out nice and thin. Lately, I've been folding over a finger width of the edge, pressing it down to make the edge a bit thicker (notice in the photo?) and all like a bought one and all.

I use pizza stones too, to cook them on. Get these really froidin hot and whack the base right on there, then put your sauce and toppings on quick. Our standard fare is just tomato paste, ham, pineapple and pizza cheese (mixture or mozzarella, cheddar and parmesan). This is the family favourite. I really prefer my pizza with a Gyulai salami, fresh basil, and bocconcini but hey, you can't always have it your own way. Just like in the rugby.

I'm not sure whether to settle for supporting the kiwis now, or hope for a surprise with Fiji or Argentina. Just anyone but the poms. Goodnight.

You've got mail

2007-10-06T08:47:00.000+10:00

Apparently..... I am a lover of contempory dance.
Excuse me?
Apparently..... I was a supporter of the 2007 Sydney Festival
Say what?
Apparently..... I am a friend of the Sydney Dance Company
Che?

You get all sorts of interesting things in the mailbox. This one was the best one for a while. Addressed to me, personally. The letter went like this.....

Dear Friend,

Many thanks for your support of the 2007 Sydney Festival. As a lover of contempory dance, we are pleased to extend a special offer from the Sydney Dacne Company to the return season of Graeme Murphy's Berlin at the Theatre Royal, Sydney.

etc

Now I don't have anything against contempory dance, the Sydney Festival or the Sydney Dance Company. But how the freak did you get my name and address? and why the freak do you think I am a lover slash supporter of said things?

Well all I can say Ms Gina Bowman; Manager, Marketing and Communications is fuck you very much. Your management of marketing and communications aint up to scratch!

Ten on Friday

2007-10-05T19:41:00.000+10:00

Thanks mg, I'll just steal your idea for a post.

10 television shows you'd like to have (or already have*) on DVD

1. The West Wing*
Now, The West Wing is simply the best TV show of all time. If you didn't know this already, then I lay my pity upon you :) I miss you West Wing! A substitute is Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Not shown in Australia yet, and only one season made before it was axed.

2. Coupling*
Coupling is the most hilarious comedy of recent times. If you've been living under a rock and don't know what I'm talking about... Do yourself a Molly Meldrum.

3. The Sopranos*
The second best drama of all time. Looooved the ending.

4. Criminal Minds
Only in it's third season (just started in the US) but already a contender for the best crime show of all time.

5. The Ren and Stimpy Show
Need I say more. OK, I will. The original adult childish humour, rocks over Southpark any day. Don't wiz on the electric fence!

6. The Iron Chef (Japanese version)
Forget the US version, that's shite. Matsutake mushrooms are the bomb!

7. Top Gear
Hilarious and blokey at the same time. Perfection. Go the stig!

8. The Office* (UK version)
Another example where the US version blows. The chicken suit episode literally made my sides split. I was sore for a week!

9. Two Pints of Lager (and a Packet of Crisps)*
Not shown in Australia. 6 seasons in the UK, a bit like coupling but more pommy-ocker style. Takes some warming up to, but Corinthian rocks.

10. Gilmore Girls (for K)
When I'm busy doing something else.... :)

It's the question that brought you here

2007-10-04T23:28:00.000+10:00

There is no spoon
Do you want to know what it is?
Welcome to the real world

Waffle wrapped waffle

2007-10-01T23:00:00.000+10:00

And the moon rose, over an open field. And her face pressed tight and all around the night sang out like cockatoos. Watch out for the hitman. Can't take the smell, can't take the noise. Skyscraper, I love you. In the jungle, the mighty jungle. Everybody comes to a party, expecting a miracle. Who's laughing now? What the world needs today, a little spiritual healing. Wake me up low with a fever.

Excuse my ramblings. You know it's very easy to write when there's something on my mind. Or when something is going on. Or when I'm happy about something. Or when I'm confused. Or afraid. Or alone. Or excited. But what about the other 85% of normal time?

Boring!

That's right now. I could waffle on about some bullshit that no-one will want to read about. And for what? And for what? Or should I say; And for who?

Do my posts have a style? Is there some unique-ity about me? About what I write, or even about how I write? Or am I a Sergeant shmo?

If we could take the time to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain

While stocks last... (Edit : Sorry, no rainchecks)

2007-10-01T21:25:00.000+10:00

Edit : You snooze, you lose. Back to anon.... :-)

Bufferfly

2007-10-01T16:58:00.000+10:00

Why thank you. Yes, I am very talented. Just another day at the office....

Who am I?

2007-09-30T18:58:00.000+10:00

Who am I?

cdp at tortious posted a pic of herself after being tagged for The Face Behind the Blog and subsequently tagged all her readers. So Full Brain Readers; a poll...

Do you want to see what a bloke with a full brain looks like? Who is the M-meister?
Or would you prefer him to remain a man of mystery? Cast your votes now!

What I'll soon be listening to

2007-09-27T23:47:00.000+10:00

Oblivion with Bells - Underworld

Very exciting... or is it just me?

Rehab

2007-09-25T22:20:00.000+10:00

They tried to make me go to rehab, I said, "No, no, no" - Amy Winehouse

According to Wikipedia, there shiteloads of different types of rehab.
Here's some more I reckon there should be.....

Yeah-Yeah Rehab : For the non-hirsute.

Road-Rage Rehab : For those who get smashed in the face for cutting me off in traffic.

WorkChoices Rehab : For those fucked in the arse by Johnny's IR laws.

ACTU Rehab : For those soon to be fucked in the arse by Ruddy's IR laws.

Back-Door-Benny Rehab : For everyone else who's been fucked in the arse by the law.

Literary Rehab : If you needed to look up what hirsute means.

Blog Rehab : Where ciscobaby is.

Jitters Rehab : If there's too much coffee (too much caaawfey!)

Tigers Rehab : If you don't know who Back-Door-Benny is

Nymphomaniac Rehab : email me ;-)

Self Rehab: So I can "get over myself."

Any more? What rehab do you need?

I rode Percy

2007-09-23T21:22:00.000+10:00

He's waaaaay better than Thomas.

Thomas is all huff and puff but no go-go-go!

Percy had more power,

he was a smoother ride, and

he lasted longer.

I'd ride you Percy, any day, over Thomas.

I don't know why all the boys love Thomas the best!

Yes, that's right avid readers. I spent today at a kids birthday party at the Train Shed (at Luddenham, Western Sydney). Great if you've got any kids aged 6 and under. (Shit otherwise!)

What's next? 5: Choose yes

2007-09-22T15:39:00.001+10:00

Now this one means different things..... I'll start with a Ronald Reagan quote. "Don't put off until tomorrow what you can put off until the next day." I used to think that was pretty funny. I actually interpret it two ways. "Don't just delay doing the unimportant things, don't waste your time doing them at all." Good advice. or. "If you let something slip a little, you might be able to get out of doing the work altogether!" Not so good advice.

So if I choose yes, I'm making the requisite choice. It may mean that I'll do it now. It may mean that I delegate, or I discard. Either way it's dealt with. The certainty is the yes, the action is appropriate.

The other thing is about the little voice that whispers in your ear.... You'd better do this M. You know you should. You can ignore me but it's not really a good idea. I choose yes. Do what you know is right. Maybe the little fucker on your shoulder will shut up.

Something new is happening. You are cautious. You might normally spend some time thinking about it. Eventually you'll go with your head, the conservative route. Next time..... if I choose yes you'll go with your heart, your gut, your instinct, your first thought.

So yes..... I choose yes.

Fixed HTML

2007-09-21T23:47:00.000+10:00

Sorry to anyone reading on less that 1024x768 resolution. Hopefully I've fixed the width issues with my layout now so you don't have to scroll.....

oh, and see my blog value is up above two grand now. See the bottom of the page.

Time to sell.... any bids? :-)

What's Next? 4: Trust your intuition

2007-09-20T19:17:00.000+10:00

I ought to start this post by making one thing absolutely clear.

I am fucking brilliant.

I have to waste so much time proving it. Memo to everyone: Save yourself the agony of being proven wrong and just accept that everything I say, do, think, believe, ask, instruct, and state is absolute, no question, solid, 24-carat, gold.

And what's more, (you mean there's more? yes, there's more!) is that I'm right very quickly. I make perfect decisions with a just a skerrick of information in half the time it takes to blink.

OK, got it? .... "Do you understand this? Do you understand this?" ......

So the statement

"trust your intuition"

probably should read

"take the time to explain to others in simple language that a 6th grader can understand why the fuck they are wrong and how could they be so stupid as to not listen to you in the first place"

But seriously. Especially in my work, I've sooooo often been persuaded by more senior (much much more senior) colleagues to take a course of action that was out of step with my intuition.

Case in point: After indicating to my friendly HR friends that no, I did not want to roll over the Enterprise Agreement covering my workforce for another 3 years because there was ambiguities in it that could cause problems down the line, I had the freaking Vice-President call me to insist upon it. Optionality zero. And then only a matter of weeks after it should have expired we were in the IRC arguing over the very ambiguity that I would have removed! Gah!

QED mutha!

What's next? 3: Eat vegetables every day

2007-09-19T20:56:00.000+10:00

Well, this one's obvious. Thanks to lisa but for the reminder about what's important. I wont be attempting five colours however!

So since there's not much else to say, I thought I'd post about a quirky vegetable trait I have. What's the weirdest thing you can do with a carrot?

Give up?

No, it's not that!

I eat them while drinking beer. That's right, beer.
Not sure how it started, but often when I pull the top off a coldie, I get the urge also to crunch on a carrot too. Try it! You'll probably not like it very much. Maybe I'm pregnant....

What's next? 2: Get strong again

2007-09-18T23:11:00.000+10:00

I'm not someone who has ever (ever) had a weight problem. One of the "lucky" ones eh.
I've been basically the same weight since I was 17. That's literally half a lifetime ago.

Many many years ago, I joined a gym. That's when I was living in the shire. The Sutherland rec centre became my favourite place in the world. At pretty much any time of the day or night, you could get a class, in whatever you wanted. I'd swim, I'd pump class, I'd free weight, I'd circuit. I loved the circuit classes. The more I did, the fitter I got and the more I loved it.

I recall driving home after one class. I'd picked up breakfast from the bakery on the way. (Yes breakfast. I'd done a 6am circuit on a Sunday morning). I got out of the car and I just felt great. I felt that my body was singing, I felt so alive. This was the fittest I'd been in my life and I felt 10 feet tall.

Unfortunately, I hurt my back doing some squats, gave it up for a while to rest. Then I moved away from the Shire. So sad....

Anyway, years later I joined another gym. It was hard to compare to Sutherland, but it was ok. I decided that this time, I wanted to get strong. I'd been fit before, but I guess I always considered myself as still a bit lean. So strength training was the plan this time. I got a training plan and worked out. It was hard! But I persisted. And persisted. An hour and a half to two hours a day, four to five days a week. "Leg day" was hell. For the first month or so, I hated it. But then once again, like in the circuits-of-Sutherland, I started to love it. I actually felt a bit lost if I missed a normal training day. I began to eat more, and eat more often. I was getting stronger, bigger, sharper.

This went on for about 18 months. In all that time, I'd almost doubled my bench strength, and similar amounts in arms, shoulders and back areas. Not so much improvement in legs, but hey, I could still do 300kg incline leg press. Must have been from all those years in high school playing basketball. But I digress.... When I started working out I was only able to do ten push-ups. By the end, I was doing a hundred.

But get this.... my weight was only 4-5kg more than when I'd started. And no, my body fat had not decreased, it was 12% when I'd started and it was still at 12%. All this extra strength meant a bit of extra size and not much extra weight. I felt like I was on a plateau. I did not want to go the extra mile and I eased off and eventually gave it away.

Since then, I've gone through phases and have even bought myself a home gym and all the bits that go along with it. I've run the city-to-surf and bought a bike. I've always thought that I'd be able to pick up from where I'd left off pretty quickly - if I wanted to. In the past year, I've lost weight without trying. About 3 kg. Without wanting to in fact. I'm now lighter than I was when I was 17. I don't like that too much, especially since I don't feel too fit. I mean, I can jump on my bike and ride 40km on a Sunday morning (like last weekend), but I just don't feel fit like I want to. And definitely I don't feel so strong anymore. And I miss feeling good about me in that way. So it's time.

The plan is this. Twice a week for the next month, so some really light weight sessions, to get the kinks out. Just 20-30 minutes a time. And ride once a week, just 10km or so. Then, the month after, ramp up the weights to full hour and about 80%. Then if everything is still moving freely, start a full weights and cardio program again - push myself for two months to get the groove back. I figure that by then, I'll be craving it again. And it will be good.

What's next? 1: Do something selfless every day

2007-09-17T18:35:00.000+10:00

What is selfless anyway? And why do I want to do something selfless everyday?

First some background.

Definition : Altruistic, considering others before yourself.

Is being selfless actually possible? It depends who you ask actually.
Some say that everything we do is for ourselves. An egoist would say that the warm fuzzy feeling we get from doing something for someone else is the reason we do it.
Do I agree? I'm not sure. I understand this point of view. I accept that the human mind is so complex that this explanation may be plausible. And also that lack of evidence for something is not proof that it does not exist. It's about balance of probability.

I thought that the most constructive way to test the idea would be to consider an example of selflessness itself, and analyse the reasons and motivations behind it. So here goes...

Made up Scenario: Two brothers are walking down the street, each with $20 in their pocket. They are on their way to buy flowers for their respective girlfriends. Along the way, they are met by a man collecting money for a local charity. Both brothers feel empathetic to his cause and stop to talk to the man. Brother 1 decides that the charity is worth giving up his $20 and he hands over the cash. Brother 2 does not. He decides to hold onto his cash so he can buy the flowers for his girlfriend. He knows that his girlfriend will love the flowers and would like to do something nice for her.

Who is more selfless?

Brother 1 feels that giving money to charity is more important and his girlfriend will understand. There will be another $20 next week for flowers.

Brother 2 feels that the charity might get lots of others donating, but only he would buy flowers for his girlfriend.

I say neither is the more selfless! They each spend their money on what they think is the right thing. What they feel is the right thing is actually serving their own values and their own rationale. In other words, if you can choose between two selfless acts, then I agree that it is very possible that there can be no truly selfless acts. What distinguishes someone who is seen as being traditionally selfless, and one who is not seen as selfless, may simply be in the framework of their decision making process.

I choose to be altruistic it non-traditional ways. Like spending time with the kids. Or even more non-traditional than that : by purposely spending time alone to relax, recharge, and reflect in the hope that I might be a better father. You with me?

Perhaps I've just got bigger balls than most. I'm comfortable about my choice if I say no when the Red Cross come knocking (example only!)

Yet still, there is something still that makes me question if my strategy is effective.

Is it actually working for me?

So a hypothesis is ripe for the testing. Do something, everyday, that could be traditionally described as selfless. See how that works, to go out of my way. Bring on the warm fuzzies.

Excuse me. I'm off to hug a tree.

So, what's next?

2007-09-16T11:09:00.000+10:00

It become a bit of a catch phrase for me.... "What's next?"

Tick one thing off the to-do list. What's next?
Learn a new skill. What's next?
Achieve a goal. What's next?
Complete a project. What's next?
Spend two years in a job. What's next?

I've heard one of my employees use the phrase now. What's next?

Now that's influence that's good. Action orientation. Look for improvement. Don't rest on your laurels. Keep moving forward. Stay ahead of the pack.

Be the best you can be.
Do now what you'll regret not doing later.

So that said.... what's next for M?

Do something selfless every day
Get strong again
Eat vegetables every day
Trust your intuition
Choose yes

I'll eloborate of each of these... in the next week. How's that? I've got a plan for my next 5 posts. I'm not usually that prepared.... Stay tuned dudes and dudettes.

........"Hey dude don't call me dude"

My blood in your eyes

2007-09-11T22:46:00.000+10:00

It's not that I blame myself for how you are. I am not at fault. But there is a tacit explanation on offer. You are you because I am me. There really is a spectrum.

Your traits are watered down in me. I can see me in your eyes. I know where you are.

Can you see where I am? Will you come to visit me?
Please. do.
Come. and. stay.

Do you know what trust is? I think you do. Then hear this.
You can learn. You can adapt. You can change.
It's supposed to click.

Well freaking click already!

I lay with you on the hard floor.
We see the same things.
But can miss the obvious.
We know intuitively what others must deduce.
But have to read the rest thrice.
We recall detail where others don't even notice.
But we forget the rest.
(Any time of the day is a good time for pie)

I love the hustle and bustle of a busy city street. But I am a voyeur from my balcony. I am here but I am not engaged. Is this you too? Perhaps I am on the second floor and you are in the penthouse?

I know you like my hugs. I like yours.

My time

2007-09-10T23:14:00.001+10:00

I like watches. I don't collect them, nor have I spent loads of money on one. My current watch was a gift to myself last year, $500 worth of Nixon. But I do covet many others.

In a previous post, I described a time in my teens about how I'd been disappointed with my Grandmother, for not buying me a watch for my 16th birthday. Obviously, though in hindsight after this post, my interest in watches probably comes from this event. For those not interested in going back to the other post, the story goes that when my sister was 16, my Grandmother bought her a watch. At the time, she said it was a tradition in her family to give a watch as a gift on the 16th birthday. I remembered this and was looking forward to this coming up to my birthday. It never came. My father, no doubt feeling that he had to make up for it, bought me a watch - thanks - but it was a bit lame.

So in a seemingly random coincidence, tonight I was thinking about memory, and how the workings of memory is more about reconstruction than recall. I think it's a great topic to blog about but that's for another time. Then I thought about; what are my worst memories (another post for another time), and one thing that came to mind was the time I was told about my Grandfathers passing. One thing I distinctly recall (or reconstruct!) about this time was that I had bought my girlfriend (K, now my wife) a watch for her birthday and I had to pick it up from the jeweller. Since I had to run off to see my family then I'd miss her birthday and wouldn't be fair on her. So I dropped what I was doing, left work, went straight to the jeweller to get the watch, and went to see K to give her the watch for her birthday. And then I burst into tears.

So isn't that some weird shit?

By the way, it's K's birthday today. Maybe it's not a coincidence that I was thinking about memory after all. Happy Birthday my sweet.

Shanks!

2007-09-10T22:59:00.001+10:00

Here's the best ad since Sam Kekovich.
Laugh? Out loud!

Mesmerised

2007-09-06T19:03:00.000+10:00

It's not often that I find myself saying that I was mesmerised. But isn't it great when it happens? That's exactly what happened to me when I saw The Audreys on the ABC last Monday night (The Audreys - Live At The Gov). And even greater, they're showing it again on ABC2 on Sunday, 11am. Consider this a Molly post - do yourself a favour.

Now I'm not into country, folk, pop, roots, or anything like what The Audreys may be classified as. They say that their music is eclectic. Others say it's a mix of pop, country and folk. I think it's simply unique.

Some might describe the pace of their music as slow. I'd say it's languid, smooth, satisfying. Like a double shot of Drambuie on lots of crushed ice. Meant to be savoured.

But to be honest, it wasn't the music that drew me in.

It wasn't the lyrics, and it wasn't the atmosphere at the venue.

It was the voice. Taasha Coates.

She sways, she smiles, she sings like an angel. Mesmerising. Captivating. Magic.

There are no maps to the place I'm going

2007-09-02T23:21:00.000+10:00

I choose me.
What is more selfish? Denial in order to pacify, or denial of the truth?
And who do you deny, really? Forget rhetoric.
Tension lies, belies, inside, it cries out.
It's torture.

I want to go where the winds calls my name.
Home, a place I've never been.
It's taunts are seldom heard beyond my walls.
My shepherd protects me and my fall.
Though I shall not know the wolf by name.

I believe but I do not trust.
I desire but I do not make plans.
I am brave but I do not tread.
I am strong but I have no heart.
I am but I am not.

I really am sick of these comfortable stinky boots.
The soles are strong, yet my toes have pushed through.
Left
Left
Left Right
Left
About face!
As you were.....

Todays News

2007-09-01T15:40:00.000+10:00

So, what's made news this week, and what do I think......

Equine Influenza
I couldn't give a rats about horse racing. It's a blight on our society. It's dull and pointless. Australia's 5th largest industry is one that exists because people gamble over how fast a horse can run. Get a life people.

Hewitt crashes out of US Open
So what's new. He's a hack and should retire.

Joey Johns took drugs
Um... yeah. Hands up who didn't know? Hands up who really cares?

David Koch named father of the year
Are you fucking kidding me? That dickhead? Gimme a break!

Wall st rallies on comments from Bush and Bernanke
Bernanke I can believe. Bush, yeah right. Are you meaning to tell me that after all the shit that this man has done and lied about, that the market are going to react to his reassurances about the economy? Laugh? I almost did!

Bush renews support for Howard
I'm again less likely to vote Liberal. Don't push me 'cause I'm close to the edge! I'm tryin' not to lose my head!

Nathan Deakes wins gold in 50km walk
Great. That's two now. I think all we had to do in these championships was to stop falling over. Didn't it seem that way at the start of the week? Or in case of the walk, all you have to do is not run and get DQ. Not up there with horse racing, but nearly as pointless.

Tigers still in with a finals chance
..... if the Broncos lose by 102 points

Anniversaries
Ten years since Diana and one year since Steve Irwin and Brocky.
:-(

Baggy pants
Atlanta are considering introducing a ban on clothes that exposes underwear in public. I don't know what to say really. Bizarre.

Random things about me

2007-08-31T20:39:00.000+10:00

I don't think it would be a good idea for me to broadcast who I am - and I've generally kept many things about who I am off this blog, in case someone who knows me stumbles (or Googles) across this site.

But I want to share some things about me, so that people who are interested, can get to know me a little better. So, what if I can share some things that most (or nearly all) people who know me actually don't know. Sounds like an interesting post? Here goes......

I've never stolen anything from a store.
I was a Tigers supporter before the '88 and '89 grand finals.
I used to smoke a lot of weed. I owned a bong with interchangeable parts. It was red and made of steel.
I missed a question worth 15% in my 4U Math trial HSC exam by mistake. My Maths teacher nicknamed me "Coroneos" because I always did things the hard way.
When I was a young boy, my Grandmother gave me the exact same toy jeep two years in a row. She gave my sister a watch for her sixteenth birthday and told her it was tradition to to this. I never got one. My father game me one to make up for it. I never really forgave her for that.
When I was 17, I used to go out with all my 18 year old friends. I was always the only one not to get asked for ID.
A friend of mine died of a heart attack when he was only 30.
I once cried when my car broke down.
I've never been caught speeding.
I once "invented" a drink called The B&B. It was equal parts Baileys and Banana Liqueur.
I credit a lot of the mark for my honours thesis to a lecturer who taught me about passive sentences.
I often don't finish what I sta

Flattery might get you everywhere

2007-08-29T22:19:00.000+10:00

I set my yearly job goals with my boss today. It was pretty low key, and all high level stuff. None of the "deliver x by y with z" or "raise a by b% in c months". It was more like "achieve the business plan". Very tidy and neat. No bs. And then we discussed the year so far, how things were going in the new job. I let him know that I had decided in this job that I would try managing "his way" to see if his style worked for me, and that so far, it's going fine. He let slip a very small "chuffed" smile and went on his way.

Am I a suck or what?!

Anyhow, back to watch the athletics..... Loving watching the uber-fit euro babes! Only speak Ukranian? No problem! я тебе кохаю!

Desire

2007-08-26T22:41:00.000+10:00

Where I work, there is a very active and structured career development process in place. That is at least, for people who do what I do. Without giving too much away, I am an operations manager in a top-50 ASX company. We have the "normal" yearly performance review, and the "typical" incentive scheme. We also partake in a yearly development discussion with our boss's boss. Now this is a pretty interesting thing. In many ways. Firstly, it happens before the performance review. Well before in fact, like 6 months before. I guess you could say it could be 6 months after. Anyhow, these "chats" are very useful. At least I think so. I can honestly say that this process has resulted in changes to my career path. The last one I had was literally 6 months ago, so why bother with the post now?

I got thinking about it because of the changes in my work in the past few months. It's been going pretty well. I've enjoyed the challenges that have come my way and I certainly have changed the way I approach some things.

The way the "chat" works is that you fill out a form where you can say what types of things you'd like to be working on, where you see your career heading, what help you might need, etc. All good. Now that I reflect on the last "chat", there's something that sticks with me more than anything else. On the form last time, I wrote, "I have a desire to..... (insert ambitiousness diatribe here) ....". On reading this and then beginning our discussion, my boss's boss said "I never hear people in Australia talk about desire. It's refreshing to hear".

Really?

Now I chose this word pretty carefully. I wanted to ensure I projected ambition without pretension. I wanted to show that I was capable yet willing to learn. Does anyone else find this strange?

Now that was only a career based desire. I guess it's a pretty strong word. What else do I desire?

What do you desire?

Three

2007-08-26T00:54:00.001+10:00

It took a while, but I finally tweaked the HTML to get the layout into 3 columns. I kept making mistakes with bloody syntax and didn't put the div's in the right order. But now it works :-)

2007-08-25T18:26:00.001+10:00

Good pizza tonight. Mmmmmm.

What's really going on?

2007-08-25T11:02:00.000+10:00

I read a lot of blogs. Well, a few. Those that seem to hold my interest and I participate in are those written by people who appear to be in a similar life stage to myself. Not in terms of their projected, apparent, tangible life stage. Rather the internal, real, felt life stage. And that is one of transition. I flit around the issue. I comment on those that others share with us. It's real and it's happening, but is the answer out there?

There's a tension somewhere.

It's kind of been happening for a while. I feel myself changing. On the inside.
I feel more. I care more. I accept more.

And yet I am possibly more dissatisfied with some things, while being very satisfied with where I am. Isn't this the hallmark of transition? When there is satisfaction with where you are, the need for more begins? I get the sense that it's bigger than that, less simple.

I'm sure I'm not going to be able to put my finger on it by rambling my thoughts across the page like this. And even reading more, reflecting more, thinking more, talking more; won't do it justice either. But the place to start is simply to start, and start at the beginning. But I'm not at the beginning, and here's how I know why. I just read this. This is exactly me right now.

Individuation is a process that leads to a more mature, balanced, 'rounded' person. In Myers Briggs terms, this may mean developing the aspects of personality that are opposite to one's preferences. For example, an INTJ, who has pursued an interest in a scientific career, may start to develop interest in ESFP-type activities. This might involve:

enjoying relationships for their own sake, rather than in joint pursuit of some scientific objective
taking up sporting pursuits simply to enjoy them, without feeling the need to develop ever greater skill and competence
spending more time with the family and enjoying life with the children or grandchildren.
developing a much greater appreciation for people, despite their lack of competence or intellectual ability.

And I mean this is exactly exactly me. I'm characteristically INTJ. I am enjoying relationships more for their own sake (like family, colleagues, even all of you readers!), taking up sporting pursuits simply to enjoy them (cycling), spending more time with family, and developing an appreciation for people despite their lack of intellectual ability. (That last one particularly!)

Where will it end? What does it mean for my career? Who knows. Does it matter though?

For now, I think I'll just run with it. Go with the flow. See where it takes me. Let go and enjoy the ride. I'll ride the rapids but keep my hand on the rudder.

Blankety Blank

2007-08-23T23:19:00.002+10:00

Here's what I'm thinking.

That's it. Nothing. I'm empty. No full brain today. Brain is drained.
Goodnight.

Letter to self (or would you care to dance Grandmother?)

2007-08-21T23:21:00.000+10:00

M, how's things?

So, have you worked it out yet. Me neither. What will it take? I wonder. If it ever will. You've known of it's existence for some time. The view is cloudy. The sound muffled. Numb fingers, to touch it. Retreat is the normal option, I understand. And it's OK. We all pleasure in being victims to it's taunts. Not many have the courage. Plenty to lose and risk even in the gain, sour rye grasses. Press the shiny red button Ren!

I know what you're thinking. Can't I have my cake and eat it too? You know the answer to that question already, and it's not yes or no. It's a description of grey. Design your reality, live as though it exists now. Start with one disappointment at a time. But don't be too hard on yourself.

Discard all that is artificial. Embrace quality. Welcome life's varied textures. Persue past positives. Seek the truth, ne'er stop. Reject falsehoods. Trust your instincts, always. Live it, love it, laugh with it. Be it. And don't feel that you have to explain who you are, especially to yourself.

Welcome to my world tonight

2007-08-20T22:30:00.000+10:00

Sittin' back. Hmmm. Plug these babies into the Zen and pull me up sumthin' Arie.... I’m having a private party. Ain’t no body here but me, my angels, and my guitar..... There's hope. It doesn't cost a thing to smile, you don't have to pay to laugh, you better thank God for that......

It's all good. This is my world, tonight. You're very welcome to join me. Pull up a cushion, cozy.

p.s. I am not my hair.